Peter, Peter he runs like a Cheater

Welcome to the final update of 2021/22, and what’s more is it’s a World Cup year! Woo. But more on that later on, we’ve got domestic bliss to wrap up first. We’ll start with the Pointless Cup.

League Cup

Oh I am so excited. Haslam vs Hull.

LC Final 22

Haslam wins! After extra time mind you but you just can’t defend with tired legs against Tallon and Rastborg. Apparently.

LC final score

On we go then, FA Cup

FA Cup

Haslam’s at it again, I can’t imagine there was any problem with Man Utd playing Everton at Anfield. Great. Man Utd/Arsenal final is probably better for the neutral

FA SF Results

So the old rivalry goes on

fa cup final 22

A thrilling final, turns out you can handle Tallon and Rastborg if they are left on the bench. But we all know there are bigger fish to fry

Champions League

AC Milan and I get on really well, and as if to underline that point we coast to the final after an entertaining semi final with Marseille.

CL SF Results

Atletico Madrid in the final and we’re just too good for them on the night, though we did have the notable advantage of the final being in Italy.

CL Final 22

The ratings sum it all up really, we actually went behind against the run of play but we’re in red hot form.

CL Final ratings

We won Serie A with a couple of games to spare, so it’s all good for me.

league won 2 games spare

And whilst it’s great times for me, it’s less good for Sunderland who drop out of the football league

mackems out

Still, they’ll have the biggest stadium in the Conference.

Premier League

At the top, Scott Colcombe is bringing the good times back to Old Trafford as they complete a League & FA Cup double. There’s also a return to form for Everton as Bryan Robson continues to finish second continually, but Beardsley narrowly misses out on a European tour. Actually, they might get in because of who the cup finalists were…I guess we’ll find out next time.

prem top final

At the bottom, Liverpool are the latest big club to fall through the trap door.

prem bottom final

Player/Manager Des pays for it

liverpool ssack des

But hold on, Liverpool have got a plan. They bring back a club legend

unsworth to liverpool

Now, I know what you are thinking. Unsworth was actually an Everton legend. Well he was, but his first job in manager back in 2008 was player/boss at Liverpool. He won them the Premier League before being lured by the Spain job when I vacated that role back in 2010. So having just won the Spanish league with Real Madrid, it makes perfect sense for him to depart and answer an SOS call. Honourable, and you’ve got to like their chances of coming back at the first attempt.

So with all that in the bag, let’s move on to the Internationals. You may remember last time out I left you with this cliffhanger

Twitter Poll

I can’t let the public down now, can I?

World Cup

Let’s get this out of the way. Yes, I’ve added myself in as England manager. In my eyes, I can’t have done much more to get the job and it seems to be a technicality that, having managed another country, I am overlooked for all other national jobs. So I don’t feel bad about adding myself in, and it’s a decision that is vindicated as Pedro notches on his re-debut, after his last cap in 1996.

holland 0 - 3 england

Blimey. The thing is, England are European Champions but I assumed playing with a pensioner as centre forward would cause some problems. It has seemingly galvanised us.

It’s an all European group of Denmark, Yugoslavia and Greece, so that seems fair. I’ve messed up the squad too, so we’ll only go with 21

england squad 22

What happened was…Darren Edmondson (Owen) got injured so I needed to replace him. I then changed my mind on the replacement and withdrew him and it wouldn’t let me put someone else in. Sack the admin. So we’re somewhat short of forwards, given that one is 61 years old there’s a lot of pressure on the two remainding forwards.

The tournament starts with a shock defeat for the hosts

spain 0 - 1 nigeria

But then it’s time for the main event, Beardsley and friends

england 2 - 0 denmark

Woo. Points on the board.

Bit harsh.

bit harsh

Whatever. Bring on Yugoslavia

yugoslavia 0-0

This was every bit as grim as it looks. Dennis was injured and Cox suspended, it nearly cost us. But we haven’t conceded a goal in two games and isn’t that really all that matters

Meanwhile, I don’t know what is going on with the Australia squad

strange australia

25 man squad, 2 keepers on the bench…only 3 subs. WHAT!?

Back to business though and a point against Greece will see us through

beardsley vs greece

Cometh the hour, cometh the man. I think that makes him the oldest World Cup scorer. I doubt it’ll be beaten.

So that’s us through, here’s the final groups

World Cup Groups final

I assumed it would be South Africa for us next but apparently it’s a more random draw.

Last 16 vs Bolivia

I’m immediately drawn to the fact that Brazil are in our quarter. That can’t end well. Anyway, Bolivia first.

Pens vs Bolivia

Goodness me. Two minutes away from elimination. Lethal pens though.

We might have avoided a shock but Italy are not as lucky.

south africa beat italy

Obviously it is my striker who misses the decisive pen. Brazil scrape through to meet us in the last 8

brazil vs scotland

Pick your winner! You’ve got to be happy if you are France

QF Draw

Brazil then. They’re good.

england 3 -2 brazil

Good grief. A topsy turvy game and perhaps unsurprisingly, Beardsley has nothing to do with any of the goals. But what a win!

It could be a repeat of hte 1990 semi final (well, sort of, West Germany…Germany…work with me here) but Spain are in the way

spain 3 - 2 germany

Two great quarter finals later and it’ll be Spain vs England. France look primed for the final

SF 2

Away to Spain…

SF Draw

We’re getting good at these Penalties!

England vs spain

Cox plays for Valencia but he might never be allowed in Spain again after snatching us a draw and taking it to extra time. With Mendes suspended, we were down to 2 strikers, and Stuart left on a stretcher. So it was Beardsley on his own at the age of 61 and playing 120 minutes. He survived and slotted his pen. We’re in the final!!

We’ll face France. Shocker.

other SF result

France absolutely whipped us in a warm up game (we lost 3-0) so I’ve been dreading it coming to this.

First though, we MUST find out who came 3rd

Yugo 3rd

Spain should probably…practice their pens.

Back to the Nou Camp then and would you bloody believe it, we’ve only won the World Cup!

World Cup final 22

Mendes went off injured so it was Beardsley up front on his own for half an hour. Incredibly, he went on a mazy run and smashed hit shot off the crossbar and Cox knocked in the rebound. Because it sounds unbelievable, here is the proof of the old man’s assist

england ratings

We’ll ignore the fact he had 7 shots and only one on target. Legend.

Mexico to host 2026, that’ll be a nice way for Pedro to spend his 65th birthday (if the game lets us go that far)

mexico 26

We’ll finish with some awards, firstly Italy

award 22 italy

Manager of the year, yippeeee. Here’s England

awards 22 eng

Beardsley should have got something. But he’s a winner in my heart anyway.

David Platt just can’t sit still. So he’s retired

platt retires

But the best news of all, Gordon Milne is out of my life!

milne retires

Still with me? 1200 words later, I’ll wrap this up. I’m already looking forward to Euro 2024 qualification, I’m sure Beardsley will thrive as he edge his way towards 100 caps. In fact, here he is to finish with. See you next time.

beardsley 61 final

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