Welcome to the final update of 2021/22, and what’s more is it’s a World Cup year! Woo. But more on that later on, we’ve got domestic bliss to wrap up first. We’ll start with the Pointless Cup.

League Cup

Oh I am so excited. Haslam vs Hull.

Haslam wins! After extra time mind you but you just can’t defend with tired legs against Tallon and Rastborg. Apparently.

On we go then, FA Cup

FA Cup

Haslam’s at it again, I can’t imagine there was any problem with Man Utd playing Everton at Anfield. Great. Man Utd/Arsenal final is probably better for the neutral

So the old rivalry goes on

A thrilling final, turns out you can handle Tallon and Rastborg if they are left on the bench. But we all know there are bigger fish to fry

Champions League

AC Milan and I get on really well, and as if to underline that point we coast to the final after an entertaining semi final with Marseille.

Atletico Madrid in the final and we’re just too good for them on the night, though we did have the notable advantage of the final being in Italy.

The ratings sum it all up really, we actually went behind against the run of play but we’re in red hot form.

We won Serie A with a couple of games to spare, so it’s all good for me.

And whilst it’s great times for me, it’s less good for Sunderland who drop out of the football league

Still, they’ll have the biggest stadium in the Conference.

Premier League

At the top, Scott Colcombe is bringing the good times back to Old Trafford as they complete a League & FA Cup double. There’s also a return to form for Everton as Bryan Robson continues to finish second continually, but Beardsley narrowly misses out on a European tour. Actually, they might get in because of who the cup finalists were…I guess we’ll find out next time.

At the bottom, Liverpool are the latest big club to fall through the trap door.

Player/Manager Des pays for it

But hold on, Liverpool have got a plan. They bring back a club legend

Now, I know what you are thinking. Unsworth was actually an Everton legend. Well he was, but his first job in manager back in 2008 was player/boss at Liverpool. He won them the Premier League before being lured by the Spain job when I vacated that role back in 2010. So having just won the Spanish league with Real Madrid, it makes perfect sense for him to depart and answer an SOS call. Honourable, and you’ve got to like their chances of coming back at the first attempt.

So with all that in the bag, let’s move on to the Internationals. You may remember last time out I left you with this cliffhanger

I can’t let the public down now, can I?

World Cup

Let’s get this out of the way. Yes, I’ve added myself in as England manager. In my eyes, I can’t have done much more to get the job and it seems to be a technicality that, having managed another country, I am overlooked for all other national jobs. So I don’t feel bad about adding myself in, and it’s a decision that is vindicated as Pedro notches on his re-debut, after his last cap in 1996.

Blimey. The thing is, England are European Champions but I assumed playing with a pensioner as centre forward would cause some problems. It has seemingly galvanised us.

It’s an all European group of Denmark, Yugoslavia and Greece, so that seems fair. I’ve messed up the squad too, so we’ll only go with 21

What happened was…Darren Edmondson (Owen) got injured so I needed to replace him. I then changed my mind on the replacement and withdrew him and it wouldn’t let me put someone else in. Sack the admin. So we’re somewhat short of forwards, given that one is 61 years old there’s a lot of pressure on the two remainding forwards.

The tournament starts with a shock defeat for the hosts

But then it’s time for the main event, Beardsley and friends

Woo. Points on the board.

Bit harsh.

Whatever. Bring on Yugoslavia

This was every bit as grim as it looks. Dennis was injured and Cox suspended, it nearly cost us. But we haven’t conceded a goal in two games and isn’t that really all that matters

Meanwhile, I don’t know what is going on with the Australia squad

25 man squad, 2 keepers on the bench…only 3 subs. WHAT!?

Back to business though and a point against Greece will see us through

Cometh the hour, cometh the man. I think that makes him the oldest World Cup scorer. I doubt it’ll be beaten.

So that’s us through, here’s the final groups

I assumed it would be South Africa for us next but apparently it’s a more random draw.

I’m immediately drawn to the fact that Brazil are in our quarter. That can’t end well. Anyway, Bolivia first.

Goodness me. Two minutes away from elimination. Lethal pens though.

We might have avoided a shock but Italy are not as lucky.

Obviously it is my striker who misses the decisive pen. Brazil scrape through to meet us in the last 8

Pick your winner! You’ve got to be happy if you are France

Brazil then. They’re good.

Good grief. A topsy turvy game and perhaps unsurprisingly, Beardsley has nothing to do with any of the goals. But what a win!

It could be a repeat of hte 1990 semi final (well, sort of, West Germany…Germany…work with me here) but Spain are in the way

Two great quarter finals later and it’ll be Spain vs England. France look primed for the final

Away to Spain…

We’re getting good at these Penalties!

Cox plays for Valencia but he might never be allowed in Spain again after snatching us a draw and taking it to extra time. With Mendes suspended, we were down to 2 strikers, and Stuart left on a stretcher. So it was Beardsley on his own at the age of 61 and playing 120 minutes. He survived and slotted his pen. We’re in the final!!

We’ll face France. Shocker.

France absolutely whipped us in a warm up game (we lost 3-0) so I’ve been dreading it coming to this.

First though, we MUST find out who came 3rd

Spain should probably…practice their pens.

Back to the Nou Camp then and would you bloody believe it, we’ve only won the World Cup!

Mendes went off injured so it was Beardsley up front on his own for half an hour. Incredibly, he went on a mazy run and smashed hit shot off the crossbar and Cox knocked in the rebound. Because it sounds unbelievable, here is the proof of the old man’s assist

We’ll ignore the fact he had 7 shots and only one on target. Legend.

Mexico to host 2026, that’ll be a nice way for Pedro to spend his 65th birthday (if the game lets us go that far)

We’ll finish with some awards, firstly Italy

Manager of the year, yippeeee. Here’s England

Beardsley should have got something. But he’s a winner in my heart anyway.

David Platt just can’t sit still. So he’s retired

But the best news of all, Gordon Milne is out of my life!

Still with me? 1200 words later, I’ll wrap this up. I’m already looking forward to Euro 2024 qualification, I’m sure Beardsley will thrive as he edge his way towards 100 caps. In fact, here he is to finish with. See you next time.

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