CM9798 Retirement Home – Part 9: Survival of the fittest

Good day to you, fans of the past. Here in the Retirement Home, we’re about to enter the final stretch of season 3. Consecutive promotions were as unlikely as they were impressive, but the ageing bones of this lot have struggled with life in Division 1. I’ve had to abandon the cavalier style so that Alan Knill plays as part of a back three. I sicken me. Still, it’s all about staying up. We have a 7 point cushion.

div 1 bottom January

Things are off to a rough start. QPR are stupid enough to go down to 10 but they have Le Tissier, who is somehow still only 31. He scores the winner and we’re left peering over our shoulders at the bottom 3.

qpr home

Some way beyond our shoulders are Tranmere. Rock bottom and frankly woeful. Even Pani scores and we manage to win 2-0. We might be safe yet.

tranmere away

The Bungalow has seen some misery this season and nearly 10,000 cram in to see us lose 1-0 to Nottingham Forest.

Forest home

We have a severe lack of goals and our options are further diminished when Ian Rush takes over at struggling Norwich.

Rush job

The squad is creeking. We’re somehow out of defensive midfielders so the back three is bolstered by 39 year old Glyn Snodin sat in front of them. Chamberlain and Quinn are both out and Rush is ironically in the opposition dugout. It’s a recall for Kerry Dixon. Send help.

squad feb

Thankfully Rush starts himself, an odd move given he’s trained against our pacey defenders for a few years and surely has better options to exploit our massive weakness. Voro scores and goes off injured but it’s a vital win. Cheers Ian.

norwich away

Dixon does score against Swindon but that’s as good as it gets. A thrilling 15 minute session sees us get battered and lose 3-1.

swindon home

More disaster at Bolton. Clegg and Chamberlain get the politicians fluttering but even that irony can’t mask another defeat.

bolton away

Sheff Utd are awful though and we’re unlucky to only win 1-0. Quinn misses a penalty but Chamberlain digs him out of that hole later on.

sheff utd home

A 1-0 loss at Portsmouth is every bit as bad as it sounds.

pompey away

Another narrow win at home though against Birmingham keeps us afloat. Safety approaching.

Brum home

Charlton are far too good for us. Oforiquaye is the type of player I’d love to have. Instead I have old Ratboy who pulls one back.

charlton away

April Fool’s Day sees us lose to Wimbledon. I don’t care for it.

dons home

Hull are managed by Mark Hateley who I have secretly despised as he should have resigned and come to play for us. They are however on the verge of being relegated. Alan Knill heads in from a corner and Songo’o the magnificent looks set to earn us the points but Duane Darby equalises. I’m sure he won goal of the season or something once for a goal he scored in the FA Cup. A real blogger would research it but time is money and we’ve got a home game with Brentford to worry about.

hull away S3

The old Drinkell-Quinn combo sees us past Brentford. A happy time for the old lads.

brentford home

Mick Gooding has a clause from the first season where he apparently always expected success for a house built on sand. His clause carries over and up two divisions and he can leave for nothing. He’s worth about £40k so you know, I’m not exactly worried. I’ll offer him a contract anyway.


Ipswich is a long way to go for a 0-0 draw.

ipswich away

Having said that, I don’t know where we’re based. Brighton I imagine. That’s a long way for Stockport to go to lose 1-0.

stockport home

Bradford score twice late on to keep their playoff push alive. Boo hoo.

bradford away

We finish at home to already promoted Leyton Orient. That’s three in a row for them, something we can only dream of. Mick Quinn scores to see them off and end a thoroughly average season with a win.

leyton orient home S3

15th. It’ll do. Rushy keeps Norwich up so I guess everybody is happy.

Div 1 bottom S3

Palace and Leyton Orient go up. Chelsea fell apart after we beat them in January. I should probably look who won the playoffs but that’s future Dave’s problem.

div 1 top S3

Songo’o has hit heights I have rarely seen. 20 man of the match awards. 7.91 average rating. Attacking was clearly our problem but that’s also the hardest position to fill.

averages S3

This makes poor reading.

Goals S3

Bloody hell, a bid! Why Dumbarton want Nicky Law, I don’t really know. But we’re in debt and centre backs are easy to come by. He’s also 38. Goodbye, Nicky.

bid for Laq

He wasn’t bad but we have better.

Law leaves

No awards for us, unsurprisingly. Has anybody ever won the Fair Play award? I don’t think I have.

Awards S3

The news we’re all waiting on…who has had enough? Four retirees…

MArwood retiresDixon retiresGooding retiresSirch retires

Two more attacking options go and Mick Gooding retires having just signed a new contract.

They didn’t clear the debt. SHIT. We’re not going to be getting any better any time soon. I’m relying on freebies who want to work for a couple of grand a week. We have Mick Quinn as a striking option and Bakero hasn’t retired. His injury has increased to 10 months. Why him? Why not literally anybody else? Sigh.

Season 4 starts next week but I’m expecting a huge amount of pressure. The board will keep complaining about the debt and with no way of clearing it, poor results will see my neck on the line. The squad has one forward and one goalkeeper. Send help. See you next week.

3 thoughts on “CM9798 Retirement Home – Part 9: Survival of the fittest

  1. Your doing alright lad. Very impressed with how you grind out the results. Looking forward to reading the next entry. All the best!!

Leave a Reply