CM9798 Retirement Home – Part 11: Down but not out

Good day to you and welcome back to the Retirement Home. You join us in October of season 4, where our team of veterans are finding things very hard going. After a relatively positive three seasons, it looks like age may have finally caught up with us. We’re propping up the table but at least we’re only 3 points from safety. Maybe we’ll get our goals scored column into double figures…

Div 1 bottom Oct S4

Stockport had a good season last year but they’re only 15th this term. With Cascarino off representing Ireland – a joke in itself given he’s 38 – it’s down to Mick Quinn to earn us a very rare win. A good start.

stockport away S4

Even a home draw with WBA isn’t a terrible result. Chamberlain drags himself off the bench to earn us a point.

wba home S4

Any hopes that our fortunes have turned forever are quashed by QPR. A hopeless 1-0 home defeat means we’re really no better off.

QPR home S4

Chelsea have sacked Ray Wilkins (RIP). Forget the fact he’s still player-manager aged 44, he’s up for grabs. And he will be mine.


Chelsea opt for John Barnes, seemingly turning a blind eye to his time at Celtic. Hopefully he gets sacked soon then I can have Barnesy too.

Barnes to CHelsea

Forest have taken over from us at the bottom of the table so our trip there represents a good old fashioned 6 pointer, which of course we lose. Van Hooijdonk and Kevin Campbell probably shouldn’t be propping up the table.

Forest away S4

So long, Ray. You were very average in your one appearance for me.

Wilkins off

Things go from bad to worse with a home loss to Charlton. It’s just so bad.

charlton home S4

We’re off to Wilkinsville now and he leaves himself out of his own lineup. We injure Steve Bruce and look set for a dull 0-0 but Tony Cascarino defies his years to “race” onto a through ball and slot home the winner. That might be important.

brum away S4

Then we ruin it all by losing at home to Brentford…

brentford home S4

…and away to Portsmouth. ‘sakes.

pompey away S4

Good news though, David “Ned” Kelly is finally 35. Notice how all of his physical attributes have decreased by 3 as he has got a year older. Now, imagine that across an entire squad for 3 years. I understand why we are poor.

David Kellykelly signs

Hilariously, he is injured and can’t make his debut against Bradford. We lose. We always lose.

Gbradford home S4

He does debut at home to Norwich though and it’s his shot that Sal Bibbo spills for Kevin Drinkell to give us the lead. Kelly is later sent off for two yellows. These idiots.

norwich home S4

West Ham absolutely batter us. Kelly does score though, so I guess he makes a difference.

west ham away S4

What we don’t need is one of our only mobile centre halves being injured. For 3 months.

Voro 3 months

The pain continues as Lovell helps Reading to three points. We’re stuck in the bottom 3.

reading home S4

Happy bloody Christmas. The King of Togo is sent off to add to our misery.

sunderland away

Sheff Utd are sort of down there with us so a home game with them looks vital. We struggle to a 0-0 draw despite their goalkeeper being sent off for handling outside the area. Ratkovic is out for a couple of weeks which furthers helps my mood.

sheff utd home S4

The FA Cup is low down my priorities but it might earn us a quid or two. Then again, it might not. Who really knows? Just to be sure, we draw 0-0. See you in 10 days.

swindon home Cup

A plucky point at Portman Road is every bit as great as it sounds. If 2001 is going to be our year we could do with scoring a goal.

Ipswich away S4

The cup replay is a problem because the squad collectively get their flu jabs and all have the virus for a few days. It’s a disaster really especially as we have to name 5 subs in the cup. It prompts a formation change as I don’t fancy Malpas as a winger.

flu jab

I took the screenshot during the game as Malpas actually got injured but he was in DM with Abadia at right back before the re-shuffle.

team vs swindon

By the way, it only bloody worked! We scrap out a 1-0 win and will host Walsall in round 4.

swindon replay

We start with the formation at home to Chelsea and somehow come away with a draw. Is it the future for these men of the past?

chelsea home S4

It’s going to have to be incredible to get us out of this mess. With 16 league games to go, we need to get 10 more points than Swindon. At least Ray Wilkins is helping us and if Rushy can get sacked from Norwich he can come back too. We need all the help we can get.

table January S4

15 goals in 30 games, that is inexcusable. I really don’t know if we can stay up. The formation I’ve stumbled on is technically unbeaten but it’s two games. We need a miracle. The debt is over £1m now again having briefly been down at about £700k. This retirement home needs some investment. See you next week for the season 4 finale!

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