CM9798 Retirement Home – Part 17: Second wind

Good day to you. The Retirement Home, in my mind, would involve me picking up former International footballers and slowly but steadily making our way up the leagues. We’d have a great time, be everyone’s second team and win, lose or draw, someone would get the drinks in. It appeared that way for two, arguably three seasons. But now, we sit here having just finished 15th in Division Two. This once proud set of men conceded 87 goals on their way to midtable mediocrity in England’s third tier. Where do we go from here?

Div 2 table final S5

It’s probably a good thing that “only” David Kelly retired. The debt has now passed £3m and therefore getting players through the door is a challenge. We can’t offer more than £1k a week in wages which is lovely for you or I but a slap in the face to some. Thankfully, Chris Waddle is still quids in following his pizza hut adverts and arrives after finally being sacked by Burnley.

Waddle signs

The odd thing about this is that whilst Waddle was at the “agrees to talk” stage he got appointed by Notts County. Oddly, he completed his move to the home so he will somehow play for us and manage Notts County. I’m not sure that the logistics of that will always work out.

Here’s the marquee signing:

Letchkov signs

Like most of his colleagues, he is physically useless but we don’t have any guile whatsoever so he’s welcomed with open arms.

Hoping to stay out of prison, here’s Dean Saunders.

dean saunders signs

McPhee is off again. I don’t really need him anyway.

McPhee off again

Francisco Cuaresma, or Cueball as I call him. He actually retired in 1998 so the fact he’s gone for another 4 years in this game probably isn’t good news.

Cuaresma signs

Our new look side races to a 1-1 draw with Preston. That injury news is not good…

Preston home S6

Poor Dunga. He will be missed.

Dunga four months

The League Cup has been fairly rubbish to us over the years so this 2-0 defeat to Crewe leaves us hanging by a thread for another year.

crewe away LC L1

However this loss to newly promoted Dover is a low point. Possibly the lowest point.

dover away

Maybe we will never achieve anything? Still, we’ll always entertain the fans and a 4-4 draw at home to Crewe saves us a very small amount of face but we still exit the competition. Sigh.

crewe home LC L2

Double sigh. John Barnes oversees Norwich’s victory. I wish he’d get sacked as we’d love to have John Barnes in the ranks.

norwich home S6

There is finally some good news. Nottingham Forest have van Hooijdonk still but Letchkov gets his first for the club and Viv Anderson…well he’s old. But he gets what turns out the be the winner despite a late onslaught.

Forest away S6

What’s this? A 6 goal thriller and we’ve come out on top? Only just though, three goals in 2 minutes makes for a rather dramatic finale but a win is a win. E I E I E I O

bournemouth home S6

Then we lose to Colchester. Never try.

Coclhester away

Brucey is still working his magic at Tranmere, having got them promoted last season. Dean Saunders looks like he’ll be the hero but Gary Flitcroft equalises. A point is ok, I guess.

tranmere home S6

Bury have one of their off days and with Letchy pulling the strings, what’s not to love?

bury away S6

Roland is also having the time of his life. He gets the winner against Port Vale…

port vale home S6

Then the winner against Barnet! But the real headline here is the recalled Mick Quinn scoring twice to set up the win. Sometimes the answer has been staring you in the face drinking your pint the whole time.

barnet home S6

Our new found optimism sees us win at Port Vale in the Vans leasing shield thing. I admit it’s brave trusting Waddle with the pens (or pels) but he does the damage and we put one foot in the knockout rounds of this idiocy.

port vale away S6

As if to prove it wasn’t a fluke, the Waddler smashes in a free kick on his way to leading us to a good home win over Oldham.

oldham home S6

Even this home draw with Brighton is fine, they’re flying high – like us – except they are Seagulls and we are just weathered.

brighton home s6

Waddle’s new found nerves of steel see us go 2-0 up at his former club but a late equaliser denies us another good away win. It’s still been an impressive run and one that warms my bitter old heart.

burnley away S6

A win at York rounds off a very successful update despite a ropy start.

york away S6

It’s not all good news though. Saunders is reduced to a year of betting on the horses as a leg break renders him more useless than normal.

Saunders 15 months

Still, we’re 4th and even have a game in hand on a few around us. We beat Bournemouth too, that’s notable. I don’t really know how we keep winning, there’s no obvious standout we just always find a way.

Div 2 top S6 Oct

The debt is £3.6m. I’ve been floating ideas on Twitter on how else to raise money and long time reader Harry has suggested lots of friendlies. He thinks fans will turn up to watch any old shit and pay for the privilege. Let’s give that a go. See you next week!

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