Good day to you. The Retirement Home, in my mind, would involve me picking up former International footballers and slowly but steadily making our way up the leagues. We’d have a great time, be everyone’s second team and win, lose or draw, someone would get the drinks in. It appeared that way for two, arguably three seasons. But now, we sit here having just finished 15th in Division Two. This once proud set of men conceded 87 goals on their way to midtable mediocrity in England’s third tier. Where do we go from here?
It’s probably a good thing that “only” David Kelly retired. The debt has now passed £3m and therefore getting players through the door is a challenge. We can’t offer more than £1k a week in wages which is lovely for you or I but a slap in the face to some. Thankfully, Chris Waddle is still quids in following his pizza hut adverts and arrives after finally being sacked by Burnley.
The odd thing about this is that whilst Waddle was at the “agrees to talk” stage he got appointed by Notts County. Oddly, he completed his move to the home so he will somehow play for us and manage Notts County. I’m not sure that the logistics of that will always work out.
Here’s the marquee signing:
Like most of his colleagues, he is physically useless but we don’t have any guile whatsoever so he’s welcomed with open arms.
Hoping to stay out of prison, here’s Dean Saunders.
McPhee is off again. I don’t really need him anyway.
Francisco Cuaresma, or Cueball as I call him. He actually retired in 1998 so the fact he’s gone for another 4 years in this game probably isn’t good news.
Our new look side races to a 1-1 draw with Preston. That injury news is not good…
Poor Dunga. He will be missed.
The League Cup has been fairly rubbish to us over the years so this 2-0 defeat to Crewe leaves us hanging by a thread for another year.
However this loss to newly promoted Dover is a low point. Possibly the lowest point.
Maybe we will never achieve anything? Still, we’ll always entertain the fans and a 4-4 draw at home to Crewe saves us a very small amount of face but we still exit the competition. Sigh.
Double sigh. John Barnes oversees Norwich’s victory. I wish he’d get sacked as we’d love to have John Barnes in the ranks.
There is finally some good news. Nottingham Forest have van Hooijdonk still but Letchkov gets his first for the club and Viv Anderson…well he’s old. But he gets what turns out the be the winner despite a late onslaught.
What’s this? A 6 goal thriller and we’ve come out on top? Only just though, three goals in 2 minutes makes for a rather dramatic finale but a win is a win. E I E I E I O
Then we lose to Colchester. Never try.
Brucey is still working his magic at Tranmere, having got them promoted last season. Dean Saunders looks like he’ll be the hero but Gary Flitcroft equalises. A point is ok, I guess.
Bury have one of their off days and with Letchy pulling the strings, what’s not to love?
Roland is also having the time of his life. He gets the winner against Port Vale…
Then the winner against Barnet! But the real headline here is the recalled Mick Quinn scoring twice to set up the win. Sometimes the answer has been staring you in the face drinking your pint the whole time.
Our new found optimism sees us win at Port Vale in the Vans leasing shield thing. I admit it’s brave trusting Waddle with the pens (or pels) but he does the damage and we put one foot in the knockout rounds of this idiocy.
As if to prove it wasn’t a fluke, the Waddler smashes in a free kick on his way to leading us to a good home win over Oldham.
Even this home draw with Brighton is fine, they’re flying high – like us – except they are Seagulls and we are just weathered.
Waddle’s new found nerves of steel see us go 2-0 up at his former club but a late equaliser denies us another good away win. It’s still been an impressive run and one that warms my bitter old heart.
A win at York rounds off a very successful update despite a ropy start.
It’s not all good news though. Saunders is reduced to a year of betting on the horses as a leg break renders him more useless than normal.
Still, we’re 4th and even have a game in hand on a few around us. We beat Bournemouth too, that’s notable. I don’t really know how we keep winning, there’s no obvious standout we just always find a way.
The debt is £3.6m. I’ve been floating ideas on Twitter on how else to raise money and long time reader Harry has suggested lots of friendlies. He thinks fans will turn up to watch any old shit and pay for the privilege. Let’s give that a go. See you next week!