Off Kilter Season 4 – Episode 1 | @PeterJonesPhoto

“Bring forth Alloa-Men only; For their undaunted mettle should compose nothing but male.” Macbeth clearly not a fan of the women’s game. Is that an option in the new Football Managers?? Gender politics aside, we’ve reached base camp near the peak of the old boy Benny.

A reminder that the terms of endearment are for a strict Scottish only transfer policy. With that in mind and now with a bit to kitty to spend, hopefully a few new additions to bolster the squad and we can have a decent season. Oh, just a second, my phone is ringing.

Right, forget all that. The board have decided that more people should watch a weaker team than less people to watch a stronger one. That’s £350 per seat. Did they cost this out?? And much like Switzerland in WW3, we have a bye to the next round.

There is nothing much to report on the transfer front after that. I keep declining approaches for most of my players in the hope that a good start will make them a happy bunch. Here’s how we’re lining up. A big season for Walker, Ferguson and Elliot. And I swapped keepers in the last few matches of the season and Irving did quite well so lets see how he does.

Shock news before the season starts…

Spence wastes no time to show his international form was a blip. Craig knocks one back before departing down under for a V8 career.

Chelsea are easily impressed but I politely turn them down.

Taylor grabs a hat trick from midfield for an easy cup win.

I suppose a clean sheet is good news but Walker is doing nothing. Lots of opportunities but nothing in the back of the net. He’s worth £2m! Must be monopoly money.

Taylor gets himself a straight red but we hang on for a slim win cup win.

Well, our shyness infront of goal is going to be our comeuppance at some point. Profligate is the appropriate word. Walker is now worth £2.5m! Why??? He’s doing nothing!

A regular charger to the ball during corners is Charlie and he gets a bullet header into the net. Only one goal concede in 6 games in something to be pleased about. I guess you can’t always win by 4 or 5.

Aberdeen get a Lukin for victory but Spence has other ideas. Then gets himself injured and we don’t see the ball in the opposition half for the rest of the match.

Right, that’s it, Walker. You’re done. If the only way you’re going to get your name in lights is by a stupid red card then you’re not welcome around here. He’s instructed to swim home.

McGinty takes his chance to claim the 2nd striker spot and he’s in full time.

Oh dear oh dear. Ken and his boys are no match in the minute before half time and Barkus Ebbrell morphs two in one seamless sequence. No Coco Cola success for us this year. Just tap water and William Low squash if they’re lucky.

Right, that is it. Any offers for anyone and they’re being accepted. We had one miserable shot on target and everyone sulks back in at full time. I switch the hot water off and they’re reduced to a cold flannel and a slither of Imperial Leather with all the labels still on.

The return leg and Spence gives us hope but it wasn’t to be. The quickest entrance and exit since Grandpa Simpson.

I’m quickly hastened to the board room and given the hard-cold treatment. If only I knew aikido and I’d shown them some Seagal style disappointed.

Dyer by name, Dyer by performance for us. The moral has dropped to our boots and we’re sinking faster than a concrete jacket around an ant.

FINALLLY, some money to spend as Walker, 8 goals in 44 matches, has been sold to Liverpool for £1.5m! Eh?? I’m quickly back on the phone and I bring back this old boy…

Who equalises for us on our debut. Things look up before Taylor, who is travelling in circles at the moment, does his best Roy Keane impression and we have to settle to a draw. But at least we’re scoring!

Martin decides to show the rest of the squad how it’s done. That’s a win! A win! Our first in 6 matches!

And a draw again Celtic. A clean sheet to boot!

That’s 6 in 4 for Martin, although the score line does flatter us as Hearts played for 40 minutes with 9 men.

And on that positive note, here’s the table mid-November. Not a bad start, but our consistancy and cup progress is a real shocker.

Och aye for now!

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