Off Kilter – Season 7: Episode 2 | @PeterJonesPhoto

Just like a Red Shirted Star Trek officer on a recently deunionised USS Enterprise, we’re up for whatever punishment those in authority deem necessary for the continuation of their decadent and self-indulgent righteousness of expanding the human seed throughout the universe. In this case, planet Kilt is occupied by the authoritative FA and their adroit actions to ensure their darling Rangers continued domination. No toupee wearing corset squeezed stuttering smooth talker can. Steer. Them. Off. Course.

But what’s this? Has the Scottish FA and Rangers’ loveboat sailed and sunk? Or is this dalliance a myth on the scale of playing Classical Gas after midnight conjuring up the Cuca from beneath the floorboards to scuttle and scratch under the bed at night. Do not bend down or make eye contact with those flaming eyes should you be foolish enough to investigate. What you should turn your eyes to is the league table which shows the horror of Rangers’ appalling start to the season, losing three games already. Celtic have joined us in celebration by putting as much daylight between us as possible, least those brown paper envelopes be couriered by a new postal company.

On the international front, Norway play N. Ireland which means we’re guaranteed 2nd. Is there a playoff or is it down to points?

The bipolar nature of my transfer policy comes to fruition. Firstly, avoiding the Operation Yewtree telephone calls, these youngsters join the fray. Not the real thing and I presume the latter is a regen as the board won’t let me loan him? I’ve never really understood how to locate them.

As one of my star defenders is REALLY annoying me now, asking to leave in between each blink (hopefully less frequently than Dermot Reeve but we all now the reason why that was…) and I might just give up, so this experienced lad joins the fun.

An uneventful match and we have no consistency at all. Glennie, shoulders in a constant shrug, slots a late winner.

We don’t like Mike and slay him within minutes. Ferguson, who has also had a nondescript season since our Macedonian days perks up. He’s stopped moaning about leaving but I don’t think his head is with us.

McClair gets a fully deserved red card after bringing down Guilherme with no cover. After converting the penalty, he decides to deliver his own brand of personal justice with a sweet upper cut to Thompson in the penalty area! After which we send the crowd into a whirlpool of delirium. I request the track from the DJ but his 8-track collection is lacking variety. Ghost Town it is…again.

Bloody cheek! Have you not witnessed how poor they are??

We still can’t get to our capacity which is 14111. I never understand why, in the architects meeting, they don’t round it up to a sensible number?

It’s the league leaders next and we go top! Glennie’s morale is shooting up! Hopefully that’s not the reason…

Off you go and stew in their reserves for the next three years. See who’s moaning now??

A lacklustre crowd witnesses the usual insipid friendly affair. Everyone has stayed at home for the N. Ireland – Norway result.

Oh! No playoffs then?

Obviously not! Even more amazingly, all 4 home nations AND Ireland quality for the finals. Has this happened before??

Crikey, they don’t waste any time! The Cromwell derby is on.

The River Severn derby is on.

The Stena Line derby is on.

Bloody hell. Two goals in two minutes and we slink back to 2nd place. Brebs is out for a couple of weeks too.

What did I say about Brady seeking revenge? Reeking revenge more like!

There’s some source of comfort though I fear our form will take us through the iris of the world.

Yep. More points dropped and Rangers are catching up fast after their wavering start. Hate people called Jones…

If it’s come to one of our loanees returning home to rescue the points, then I fear our form will be as inconsistent as a governmental advisors’ health story.

And so it happens. My imbecilic transfer acumen along with my work experience policy and the red mist of inexperienced players finally catches up with me. I can only name 12 players and hope no one gets injured…(side note, nice to see our Minder tribute is positions 3 & 4)

Which it does but kindly doesn’t register so I have to put a goalkeeper in midfield. If Flannigan didn’t forget with way he was shooting, we’d have done well all things considering.

Never one to hold a grudge, we deny that we’re seeking revenge from our embarrassing European exit from season 3…of course we are.

Well, we’re going have to do better than that, lads! Don’t get me sacked before the finals!

There’s not much to say on this other than how shocking are Dundee Utd if they can’t score against 9 men AND we have a goal disallowed in the 83rd minute. You call that a football team??

Rangers next and they get a quick equaliser after half time. I bring Thompson on to sure up to attacking line up and he make one successful tackle that puts him out for a month. Martin just isn’t missing his opportunities at the moment, even though his form is average, morale low and he constantly in my office requesting to leave.

Oh Ronnie! What you done that for?

We have £35m in the bank and we can’t bring our Bunnyman back! He’s unhappy at his asking price being too high and it looks like our board agree. Wolves clearly going down the Jez Moxley route of requesting payment in bullion when they sold Jarvis & Fletcher for a collective £22.75m.

The suspensions and injuries are a scarlet sloth spreading it’s stuporic limps across my squad details page, so Dorman makes his debut at half time onto to score with his first ever touch. A usual, we throw it all away after our engine house Brebs gets injured.

Rangers won every game in this update apart from their loss to us, while Celtic are at the local ice rink sliding away to the bolero. The Rangers bungs have arrived.

Och aye for now!

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