HELLO! We’ve been drinking for 7 solid days. The Retirement Home are the Premier League champions. Can you believe it? Let’s just remind ourselves before we deal with the reality that all of our centre backs retired after such a feat.

Ok, pints away for a minute. We’ve bought 1,348 more seats because that’s how many more people will come to watch us now we are champions AND WILL BE PLAYING IN THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE. That’s exciting.

Roger signed, he starts at Barca like so many of our players. He’s had a decent career yet now finds himself at Atletico Madrid B.

Just to bring you up to speed, this is the squad we have left after the retirements. Clearly, we need help.

Djetou! An angry man who always knows where to stand. He can play centre back and he isn’t Michael Duberry, so that helps.

Meanwhile, now we’re talking. Ronaldo, R9, the original and best Ronaldo, is available. Sure, he’s a shadow of his former self but he’s still probably our best player.

Richard Wright is approaching 35. He’ll be backup to Keith B-Real but is a known CM legend when he’s 17. Double his age, half the ability?

The Gronk! Nobody else in sport has that nickname. He’ll be 35 by the time the season kicks off.

In fact, his birthday is the community shield. Due to our crippling lack of centre backs, I’ve decided we’re going to play like champions and go back to 2 up front. Try and stop us.

Here’s the full squad.

Early signs are that this will not work. 45 minutes, 19 shots against. Eep.

Duberry gets sent off and we lose. There’ll be no Charity Shield, I’ll tell the children.

Clearly we need more centre backs but there are none available. My solution…the Heidenstrom regen. Yep. He’s my third Under 35.

Back to 3 at the back anyway. A decent draw here.

R9 is off the mark but his joy is short lived as West Ham snatch an equaliser two minutes later.

A defeat at newly promoted Ipswich takes me back. Those were the days.

Defeat at home to Newcastle is a bad end to August. I don’t care, we’re the champions.

That’s a decent Champions League group though. If we remember the values that made us what we are today, we might get through.

Yes! A win. Lovely Zola.

Urgh beaten again. Leeds trample all over us.

We never beat Huddersfield at the best of times and in our current fragile form I’m not overly looking forward to it. What follows is a game we dominate with no goals for us and three goals for them. Lads. Howay.

The Champions League music plays out at the Bungalow for the first time. Sparta Prague seem like a nice way to start for us but obviously we go 1-0 down. Zola and the Gronk turn it round though and at 3-1, I’m counting our first three points. Except it goes 3-2 straight after and then we concede a late equaliser. The board say it’s a good result. Wat.

We always win at Sunderland and even in our new found slump we turn it on for this game. Ronny, Zola and Gronk. Can we get our season back on track?

Well, maybe. Wolves are brushed aside. Hmm.

We lose Ronaldo for a month due to an injury picked up in Turkey but his replacement, OGS, scores twice to give our group hopes a timely boost.

Wow! Where did this come from. A win at Sheff Wed is worthy of the shock defeat graphic for the Owls but maybe…Ronaldo is the problem?

Ronaldo returns from injury from the bench in a 3-0 dismantling of Rapid Bucharest. Excellent.

A home draw with Arsenal will do, we’re just trying to stabilise after those early defeats.

Barnet shouldn’t be a problem in the League Cup but they’re another side who seem to constantly beat us. It takes extra time but we edge it.

We finish today’s update with a point at Man City, which lets us have a look at a very curious league table.

Good news is we are 7 points clear of the relegation zone. We’ve got less goals scored than games played, obviously that’s not good, but seemingly everybody else is the same. Leeds scored 2 of their 7 goals against us. Shout out to Villa for their 4 points and four goals from 12 games. 0 wins. Even we beat them.

In good news though we’re doing well in Europe. 7 points from 3 games is a good return but we’ll have to go to the Czech Republic and Romania and get something if we’re going to make it through. Those are probably tough places to go. I’ve always said that.

My current aim is not to be the worst reigning Premier League champions ever. Granted, I haven’t researched who is. Leicester? They nearly got relegated. Although in this world that hasn’t happened yet. See you next week!