Off Kilter – Season 8: Episode 3 | @PeterJonesPhoto

It’s the end of another season up in Alloa and Peter has once again taken the lads to the business end of the season with a shot at the title. Is THIS the year the Old Firm are uprooted?

The gaining of vast wealth can erode the judgement of any sensible person. Witness the indulgence of summer water sports by Duncan Ballantyne on the introductory montage of Dragons Den. It is enough to put you off accepting his nasally condescending offers. Worse to see the heroically working class figure of Bruce Springsteen Paddleboarding in a manner of total “How did I get here?” confusion. Even the mere thought of gaining wealth and what to do with the imagine not-so-endless pit of green can do things to a sane personality. An ex-collegue once remarked that “..even £1m isn’t enough to do what I want to do.” Put a mirror to this and the £26m we have in the bank at the Rec is too much to do anything with.

Here are the values of the top Scottish talent in Season 8. A couple of Alloa Alumni are in there but as you can see, we’re a fairly dominant breading ground of wee Crankies. Martin is looking forward to retirement and being put out to stud. The rest of the top valued Scottish talent don’t want to touch is with a caber.

Add in the other flavours of nations and the list turns into an unionist delight in which the Glasgow cartel are playing by their own rules.

We’re stuck in 2nd place, playing the bridesmaid to Rangers yet again. You can smell the bridecakes baking in the oven as we speak.

FA Cup to take care of first. From a Buick 5 as Dair comes off the bench to grab a quick brace. “Not as good as a McQuilken brace” I josh him. He immediately put in a transfer request which I turn down.

Back to the wonderfully named Pittodrie (why have I never noticed this before?) Dair perks up when I restore him to the starting line up.

Well, if we wanted to win this thing, we’re going about it the wrong way. Like Shiva on ecstasy, Shay Given’s arms are a-blur saving over 15 shots. Unsurprisingly, he gets a 10.

Bloody cheek!!!

OH MY GOD! OK, IT’S HAPPENING!! EVERYBODY STAY CALM!!!

Who are these people??? Good???

Rangers have a match in hand but this is progress. Could we? Could we??

Two quick goals and Martin’s stud reputation is mythologised further.

Glennie is out for 6 weeks so 17-year old Muirhead gets his chance and gets on the end of a Crap 90’s Football scramble and grabs his first goal. Even better news as Dougie Donnelly radios through to say Rangers drew.

Martin is on strong form again as Simon is sent back to the FiveLive booth.

Rangers’ form has collapsed since our mauling of them. Can this really be happening?

From hope to dope. Our central strongman has been using the incognito feature of his internet browser too much…

Too many jokes spring to mind when Dundee equalise so I miss our winning goal. Even greater news is that Rangers have drawn AGAIN!

Bloody hell again. Although it might be a good time to inflict further misery to our rivals.

We’re really nervous now as we hear Rangers have drawn YET AGAIN! (Can I put that on tape?)

We’re really recreating the George Graham Arsenal form book. Jokingly, I mention this to my secretary and she puts in an extra order of brown envelopes. Doesn’t anyone like me around here?

A quick international break for another WC qualifier and Albania no themselves no favours. I recall Bazza to the squad and he gets a perfect ‘goal, assist & MOTM’. At full time, I test the dressing by telling them Scotland was once called Albania in the 11th Century. No one talks to be on the plane home.

Well, it was bound to happen at some point. Only 2 days after the international match and half of the team play again.

Although the stats do tell a different story. We’re all knackered and some are still reeling from my history lesson.

Rangers won which closes the gap back to 6.

Whist the one person from town who didn’t show up causing the attendance monitors OCD meltdown is rounded up and shot, another nervy 1-0 puts us closer to the title. The big Doug informs us that Rangers have lost this time. 9 points! A 9 point gap!

We’re gaining confidence but that probably down to Glennie back in the side after his injury woes. After Martin’s second, I say out loud “Double the goals? Martin’s brand of football. Trying to double the fun? Well, how about I double your wages.” No one is around to hear me say this…

Who cares???

Ok, maybe we do. Two days later, Rangers sniff an opportunity to really grind us down but we put a hold on proceedings. However, we aren’t strong enough to stop defeat.

In-between, Rangers drew again. They’re really going for the Glenn Hoddle approved method of football. The gap is now down to 5 points with 9 still to play for.

Aberdeen clearly think this is a lark as they take the lead. Finally, one of my halftime team talks works and our front two finally are on speaking terms. “It’s reminiscent of the Sulu/Checkov relationship.” I should learn to keep my mouth shut…

We can’t even reach capacity on this title run as we secure the league in front of 5,000 empty seats.

But after 8 loooong seasons, we’ve done it!!!!!

“It’s been done…” Bloody idiots…

The SFA’s tactic of arranging a friendly in the furthest most reaches of Europe (1997 era) in between the last two matches has backfired. We draw but who cares??

Even less turn up to see us life the trophy. Why do we even bother??

Pretty redundant form of congratulations…

Is that all???? I’m sure we got more for winning Div1.

Arbitrary new information for Stat-Man Dave’s ledger.

So there we are. We finally break the Glasgow monopoly as Rangers forgot how to score and drew themselves into 2nd place. (Note: When the missus asks you to draw the curtains, best not to do a rudimentary pencil sketch of said interior feature and present this as a job well done…)

More Qualifying games to play over the summer and our toughest game of the group is a tight affair until the Impaler has a flashback to Rucąr and seals the match for us.

Go away…

Pretty much a formality. I use Brown in the central midfield role for internationals and maybe I should do this domestically too.

We’re demolishing the opposition here. I put this down to my own personal investment in the Scottish game…

End of season awards aren’t worth the copper the trophies are forged in as Walter Smith wins MOTY as Rangers won the FA Cup and the UEFA Cup. *sigh*

Och aye for now!

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