Off Kilter – Season 9 Episode 1 | @PeterJonesPhoto

Peter might well be the most educated man I know. That or he just makes all of this up. He’s certainly got Alloa reading well having finally won the SPL last week. What will the new season bring?

“When people cease to believe in God,” G.K. Chesterton once wrote, “they come to believe not in nothing, but in anything.” Christopher Hitchens added “When people cease to trust the word of authorities, they often become not more sceptical, but more credulous. A truly hard-headed person could object that those who believe in God or in the benign ways of government were already prepared to believe in anything.” But there is one thing you now have to believe in is the well-nigh unbelievable truth that Alloa are the reigning Scottish Champions.

Yes, the ultimate Alba silverware is shining brightly in the Rec trophy…shed, operating a strict two-in-two-out policy as half of the wooden shack is taken by the groundsman’s lawn mower and kettle.

First bit of business out of the way and I don the perm and await the backlash on the stadium steps. No one turns up so I slip off to the pub for a quick pint…

…where I bump into a rather sozzled police officer. We drown our sorrows and I wake up three days later to find out I’ve signed him.

On a positive note, we’re straight through to the group stage.

Here’s how we’re lining up. Glennie has dropped to the bench as Kinnaid and Ferguson had a great end to last season.

First game in and our front pair are straight back into action.

In a slight change if plan, we’ve decided to come full 21st century and to treat the league cup as a youth training match. I’ve kept Daily and Long in as experienced heads for the teenagers.

It proves successful and McQuilken gets a name in lights.

This tactic could last quite a while if…BLOODY HELL!!!!!

Back into 1st team action and they’ve all taken the hump.

Go away!

Good result for sitting on our arses…

Everton are back for another bite at the Alloa tatties. At least we don’t have any locals to keep us down.

I decide to use the youth squad again with predictable results. At least we keep a 60 minute clean sheet.

A fairly quiet evening for our next qualifying match.

World cup here we come!

Our first CL match and we’re 2-0 up after 5 minutes. Our front line up clearly has single digits in the mysterious Big-Occasion stat.

Our domestic form is nothing short of useless.

Oh great. Our ‘Shock Defeat’ virginity is well and truly popped.

And now our ‘keeper is crocked.

Back on scoring form but our defence is still thin on tackling.

Bloody hell!

Glennie is restored to the starting line-up and we exceed expectations in a 2nd half rout. Even the youngster of the McCheyne-gang gets one in the correct net.

We finally run rampant in a league game with McQuilken coming in for the tired Dair.


We’re 2nd, you bunch of lazy twats…

Our last qualifying match is an easy runout even though we were down to 10 men and Martin deciding to turn up for this one.

A bit of a walk over, that one. 34 goals!!! Madness!

McQuilken really stating his place in the starting line up.

Not a bad time to play our foes and a really flat and dull match. Nothing gained…and not much was ventured…

Bunk! Stop interfering with my players!

Porto came with a sneeze and go home with a point. We need to be winning these matches otherwise it’ll be another wasted chance.

That’s 4 in 5 for McQuilken as Martin is no where to be seen. Probably because I keep rejecting offers from Man Utd. £18m was the lasted Fry-esque scream.

Ah, there he is.

And again. Where’ve you been, lad? I’m not paying you £29,000 a week for you to play part-time.

My pep talk goes well and he’s in with his first touch.

We’re now down to our 3rd choice keeper!

Bit of a pointless match, really. Why bother?

Better just to show the domestic table and say goodbye. We’re scraping by at the top of the table with no real outstanding performances.

Och aye for now!

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