Ryan Reynolds’ Wrexham: A Global Force – Part 5: Reynolds (reluctantly) goes to Wembley | @emsonite

Recap of Ryan’s rules and milestones:

  • Only 1 player, per nationality in the squad
  • All 7 continents & USA represented in starting XI (Chile represents Antarctica)
  • USA must be represented in starting XI
  • £20m bank balance at end of season 1
  • £30m bank balance at end of season 2
  • Win Premier League within 4 seasons

Welcome back!

Straight after Christmas, we’re hit with an injury. 

It’s a shame as Zihiyi has become a cult figure with supporters. The Fans will have to hold off chanting “ROCK TO THE RHYMYM AND BOP TO THE BEAT OF THE RADIO” for a few months.

This leaves us thin on the Asian front. Back into the market, the only available player is this fella from Singapore

Sad Ass Fucks FC only want a £5k fee, so Fandi joins on a 6-month contract until the end of the season as back up to Sritong-In. Let’s hope we don’t have to use him.

Talking of injuries. I sit down with Reynolds and explain that if any of our Yanks, Antarcticans or Aussies get Down with the Sickness, our global XI is going to be Disturbed. Reynolds gives the go-ahead to sign reserves.

In comes Estay (Antarctica), Klopas (USA) and Coyne (Australia) as back up.

Fabian was bought for £350k and is instantly worth £6.5m without kicking a ball. So come on a let me knoooow…. Should Estay or should Ego? For that price, he is transfer listed.  

In the last episode I mentioned we had a BIG offer for Peter Oforiquaye. Alas, he rejects the move to France and we miss out on a cool £5.5m.

January 1998 and we’re dumped out of the FA Cup by Leeds. No complaints, we got our arses handed to us.

Reynolds isn’t happy.

Fortunately, I have pictures from our Christmas party at home. I think he knows this, so he cools his beef. I won’t disclose the full details of the photographs, but they include a lava lamp and a goat.

Sadness is short lived as we return to our happy place, Turf Moor.

We’re progressing well in the Windscreen Shield and we find ourselves in the Area Final.

Bjorn gets a late winner in L1 to give us a slender lead to take to Brunton Park.

In L2, Carlisle go down to 10 men early on and they crumble. We’re going to Wembley!

I’m excited & immediately phone Reynolds to relay the good news. However, he doesn’t share my enthusiasm.

The conversation went something like this:

Emsonite: Ry-o, dust your suit off butty-boy-bach, we’re going to Wembley!

Reynolds: Great! FA Cup?

E: No, we’re out of the FA Cup. Remember

R: League Cup?

E: No, we’re out of the League Cup.

R: Well, what for then?

E: Windscreen.

R: Wow! Tell you what, let me know how it goes yeah (hangs up)

Sarky c*nt.

Since the Windscreen isn’t Reynolds’ jar of maple syrup, we get back to business.

It’s transfer deadline week and there’s plenty of money coming in.




We bring a couple in, including Peter Van Vossen (Holland) and a game-changer…

Yoshi Kawaguchi. Really happy with this signing. He’s the Best of Asia. If all works out, he’ll be my forever man between the sticks.

Yep, he’s a real Keeper.

A busy transfer window takes us up to £25m. So, budget target hit. Let’s wrap this season up.

The league is a formality, so we move on to the Windscreen Shield Final. Newspapers report that Reynolds isn’t going to attend. Headlines are printed such as TWO GUYS, A GIRL AND A HIDING PLACE! and DEADPRICK! I guess he must have felt bad, so he decides to make an appearance after all.

Reynolds soon gets sucked in by the atmosphere. The sun is shining and we’re up against the mighty Luton Town.

Wegerle is suspended so Klopas comes in and he gives us the lead just before half time. Then a quick-fire double from the Antarctican all but seals the win. Luton get a late consolation, but it matters not. Even Fandi Ahmad gets a run out and bags himself an undeserved winner’s medal to take back to Singapore.

So, Ryan enjoyed his day out. He says he wants to return to Wembley one day and win a proper trophy. So, he adds on the League Cup & FA Cup to his Wishlist for bonus points.

Promotion is comfortably secured.

Some solid performers. Mahove has really impressed this season given his £1k weekly wage.

£25m in the bank & plenty of team value to wheel and deal.

Join us next week when the transfer window opens & we prepare for life in Division 1. Until then, it’s goodbye for now

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