Around the World with Adrian Littlejohn – Part 5: Upstaging Raul | @Emsonite

Happy Deano Day. The Littlejohn challenge moves into season 2 and Deano has been shopping…

In Season 1, Adrian Littlejohn smashed 22 goals for England but struggled somewhat with Man Utd. Well, it’s role reversal in Season 2.

Partly because Man Utd have an unbelievable squad setting up Littlejohn who has the front line all to himself. Look at this team, it’s not even fair. Eltonjohn could score goals in this team.

Continue reading

Around the World with Adrian Littlejohn – Part 4: I want a Pizza | @Emsonite

Happy Saturday! It’s time to check in with Adrian Littlejohn and as season one reaches a conclusion, it’s time to count the trophies and prepare for World Cup 98…

Happy Saturday & welcome to the latest instalment of Around the World with Adrian Littlejohn. It’s going well. By the end of this episode Adrian Littlejohn will be a treble winning striker with 22 goals for his country.

There’s a lot to get through so first, let’s clear up his domestic season with Man Utd.

Littlejohn got his hands on the League Cup despite missing a hatful of chances in 120 minutes and his spot kick in the shootout.

The League was looking lost at one point then Liverpool took an awful slump in form. 3 points were required against a Blackless-Barnsley to win the league with a couple of games to spare. Littlejohn duly obliged.

The final league table looked like this.

Nothing to be proud of here. It just goes to show how good Man Utd are in season 1, they can even win the league with Adrian Littlejohn up front.

L.J. finished the season with 18 Premier League goals. Added to the 11 he had for Sheff Utd earlier on in his career, he needs another 71 to get his own Sky Sports 100-club slot to replayed for all eternity.

The FA Cup Final was won to secure a domestic quad (don’t forget the Charity Shield).

Adrian played well in this game to be fair.

Littlejohn is England’s main man heading into the World cup. Before we head off to France ’98 there’s a few warmup games for L.J. to fill his coffers.

And if you want to fill your coffers, there’s not many better places on Earth to do that than the Cayman Islands.

Destination – Cayman Islands

Right. I messed up. Forgot to take a screen shot of this game. Too busy enjoying myself. But you’ll just have to trust me when I say Littlejohn scored another 2 goals in an easy win. He did his job; I didn’t do mine. Sorry. Actually, I’m not sorry. Do you pay to read this blog? No?… Well then, it’s your own fucking fault. You get what you pay for.

Anyway, now that I have justified my own mistake with a hissy fit and an unnecessary & unprovoked attack on you lovely readers. Let’s go to Africa!

Destination – Rwanda

Rwanda. Rw-fucking-Anda. They sound shit. And they are.  Littlejohn has a field day. And I got a screenshot to prove it – Hoorah!

Four for Littlejohn!

From the African heartlands to basecamp at Mount Everest…

Destination – Nepal

It is widely known that you DO NOT mess with the Ghurkhas. They will fuck you up! They will take out five blokes with a pencil. They will bust your kneecap with coat hanger. They are awesome in every way.

Apart from football. They are fucking crap. Five nil.

Another hat trick for Littlejohn!

That’s the warmups sorted. We’re off to the World Cup!

Destination – France

Here’s the squad.

I’m taking Michael Owen as back up in case L.J. gets injured or suspended. Hopefully we don’t need to use him because he’s a bit of a bell end if I’m being honest. Should have taken Fowler. Bit late now never mind.

Anyway, our opening group match is against Croatia. We’ve got some issues at the back with Adams, Newsome & Ferdinand out through injury and suspension. We are still able to win 2-0 though. Littlejohn played okay.

Good result. I would love to get Littlejohn a world cup goal though.

We keep the same side against Japan. And Adrian Littlejohn gets his World Cup goal. Two in fact!

Hero.

And L.J. backs up one brace with another against Iran. He even gets the MOM award! Littlejohn shirts are selling like hot cakes.

Comfortably into the knockouts.

We’re up against a very talented Nigeria side next. No goals from Littlejohn this time but we’re into the Quarter Finals after going behind early on.

Starting to dream now. Can Littlejohn score again? This is so exciting! Can Littlejohn win the World Cup? Can he? CAN HE DO IT?

Err… No.

Del Piero sends us home.

Quarter Finalists though. Not a bad showing. One step further than they managed in real life. Chin up.

On the Brightside, Arian Littlejohn has a had a fantastic first season. We check his contract, and he now wants a pay rise from £25k to £35k a week. I’m happy to oblige.

His value has shot up to the lofty heights of £4.2m.

22 England goals is one more than Kevin Keegan managed. And he’s done it in one season.

He is comfortably top scorer on the international stage. Look at that for a list.

Del Piero is tamping. Revenge.

Alessandro Del Piero phoned in on TalkSport Drive to air his frustration “It’s not-a fair-a. Adrian-a Littlejohn-a only-a played against-a Rwanda. I want a Pizza”

Littlejohn’s agent must have realised he’s out gunned Klinsmann and co. Because now wants £50k a week!

You can have it son.

Littlejohn’s rise to fame has been a journalists dream, and he rightly wins the Football Writers Player of the Year.

Featuring twice in the Annual Awards

That concludes season 1997/98. Will Littlejohn suffer second season syndrome, or will he go from strength to strength?

Join us next week to find out. Have a great weekend all

Around the World with Adrian Littlejohn – Part 2: No Planet B | @Emsonite

Happy Weekend! Here’s Deano with more from Adrian Littlejohn…

There’re mutterings at the Bus Station in Digbeth. Puzzled faces on the punters at the pub.

The question on everybody’s lips is why is this series called ‘Around the World with Adrian Littlejohn?’…  (and by everybody’s, I mean no one’s)

Nevertheless, I will explain

The Genie from Aladdin has asked me to make Adrian Littlejohn England’s top ever goal scorer. There are no rules to achieve this. And as Harry Kane will tell you, the best way to achieve this is to play against as many plumbers & pub teams as possible. So, I’m cancelling these tough friendlies:

And arranging these piss easy ones instead:

Continue reading

Around the World with Adrian Littlejohn – Part 1: Three Wishes | @Emsonite

Hello and Happy Saturday to you. Deano’s had another idea…I can’t do it justice. Enjoy.

Hello and welcome to a new blog series.

This isn’t going to be as long or as daft as the Wrexham and CD Dons adventures.  This new mini-series was inspired by Harry Kane banging in 7 goals in 4 days in November 2021 against Albania and San Marino as he marches on to becoming England’s record goal scorer. Now, I’m not dissing Kane, but I was thinking at the time ‘Any bugger can do that if they are playing San Marino every week!’. Okay, not any bugger. But someone bang-average probably could. This series is an attempt to make Littlejohn England’s top ever goal scorer.

Before we start & for clarification. We are talking about this Littlejohn:

Continue reading

CD Dons – Episode 22: Pole-Axed | @Emsonite

Welcome back to Spain where Deano is considering the merit of two of his angry stalwarts…

It’s been a shaky start to the season and we’re running out of legs. I can’t sell any players to bring in new thugs. We’re not as dirty as we have been in previous seasons and the fans are having to pay for their own tattoos.  All in all, it’s getting rather desperate on the South Coast of Spain.

So desperate in fact that Vinny had his head turned by reality TV.

Our Captain hard man hasn’t really turned up this season.

Less flicks and more kicks, Vincent.

Continue reading

CD Dons – Episode 21: Big Bad Barry | @Emsonite

It’s that wonderful time of the week where we welcome Deano’s band of thugs back. In even better news, he’s in the market for a lunatic…

Last week we were skint, only spending a total of £5k on ‘Big Bad’ Barry Blake. This week we’re still skint, which is a shame because a certain lunatic is interested in coming to CD Dons.

Edmundo is available for £7.5m and with these stats he would fit right in.

We’re about £6m short though.

No-one wants to buy our players. We’ve got plenty of money in assets if we can offload a few.

Until then, we’ll have to make do with what we got.

First up this week it’s the Drunken Environmentalists. Big Bad Barry injures Villena and gets himself on the score sheet. Sibi then goes off injured with no-one around him to equal it up on the green front. We’re heading for a 4-1 win on yellows but then they go get a 90th minute red card, the sneaky bastards.

Eco-Warriors really are twats. Sibi pulled his hammy and is out for 2 weeks. Wimp.

Valladolid are up next and super sub Mauricio gets a late winner.

Champions League time! We’re up against Club Brugge. Big Bad Barry does the damage once again as we secure +6 on the Thug-o-Meter. It’s double points in Europe if you remember.

Couto gets 10/10. Standard.

The deadline passes and we do zero business. Mike Ashley would be proud.

I forgot to get a picture of our next match but we played our rivals Espanyol and smash them all over the park. Unfortunately, Big Alan Shearer went off injured so we had to settle for 6-6 draw and -1 on the Thug-o-Meter.  Good signs as the Little Shit got a yellow on his first appearance of the season after his 6 game ban and trip to Pontins.

Back to Champions League and we travel to Poland. Blake gets another 2 goals but Warsaw dish out a hefty 4-1 loss on yellows. – 6 ouch.

Nick Rowes Basque Boys are up next and we smashed them 4-0 on yellow. 2 more goals from Big Bad Barry Blake.

We follow this up with a 2-1 win over Deportivo. Blake gets another card and goal. He’s un-droppable now.

Spanish Capital darlings Real Madrid come to the Benalmadena Arena and it’s a 1-1 draw on both fronts. CM Legend Viktor Onopko gets a 90th minute equaliser, the twat.

Last game of this update is away to Benfica in the Champions League.

Hooray! an injury of note caused by the Moldovan Maniac, Rebeja. We’re heading for a defeat then Sibi engages in some twattery of his own with a 89th minute equaliser. It’s an equaliser that we really didn’t deserve.

First tattoo of the season. Rebeja’s injury infliction earns one lucky punter a free visit to INKredibles. Nathan is a big nature fan and Steve Irwin is his idol

Strewth. Look at the size of that croc! (cheers @FMCM_FC for the pic)

We’re 3rd in La Liga and joint top of our Champions League Group. In pretty good shape.

Just before we go let’s appreciate Big Bad Barry Blake who’s had a great start to his CD Dons Career.

A bargain signing at £5k, to prove the age old saying that money isn’t everything.  It’s mostly poor people who say that though.

CD Dons – Episode 20: Brassic | @Emsonite

Hello! It’s Thursday, Deano is ready for you but the Dons don’t have a pot to p*ss in. What can he do?

It’s Friday-Eve! Get up the Co-op and treat yourself to four cans a’ Stella. Pint cans.

Last week we hit +50 on the Thug-o-Meter and in doing so managed to drag this drivel out into a fourth season and into its 20th episode. I wouldn’t blame you if you haven’t read all 20, to those who have I salute you, but seriously haven’t you got anything better to do? 

It’s pre-season and that usually means one thing; Recruitment. Alas, we have one small problem with that – we are proper skint. -£4m, in the red to be precise.

Continue reading