Ryan Reynolds’ Wrexham: A Global Force – Part 6: Bargain Hunt | @emsonite

Recap of Ryan’s rules and milestones:

  • Only 1 player, per nationality in the squad
  • All 7 continents & USA represented in starting XI (Chile represents Antarctica)
  • £20m bank balance at end of season 1 – complete
  • £30m bank balance at end of season 2
  • Win Premier League within 4 seasons
  • Bonus – Win FA Cup
  • Bonus – Win League Cup

May 1998. Wrexham are Division 2 Champions. To celebrate Ryan busts out the gin before we head out to celebrate.

Inevitably, he ditches me for his celebrity mates. So, I get a taxi home and call it a night. There’s a pre-season to navigate for another promotion push. The next day there’s no sign of Ryan. He hasn’t turned up for work. He’s probably just sat at home watching daytime TV.

Lazy bastards. What are they watching anyway?

Typical. But I suppose if you’re going to pull a sickie you might as well watch Bargain Hunt. It’s actually a good analogy for how our pre-season is panning out; there’s plenty of value out there & profit to be made in every episode.

Miklos Molnar (Denmark) coming in means we can ship a couple out.

Adolfo Valencia (£300k) hasn’t played a single game, we’ve churned him in & out for a £6m profit within two weeks.

I’m a bit reluctant to sell our main Antarctican, but everyone has their price. And that price is £5.5m

The Red team are laughing all the way to the bank.

Dickinson takes his commission of course.

Let’s have a look at the budget.

£38m. Right, that’s enough.

We need Asian cover. Yoshi Kawaguchi is our only Eastern player, so we need back-up in case he decides to fall into a ditch.

There’s not many Asians around but we’ve managed to do what Newcastle couldn’t and bag ourselves an influential Saudi. Arabian TV will pay top dollar to broadcast one of their own…

Financially we are doing wonders but on the pitch our team is worse than it was last season, which sort of defeats the object. I’m beginning to regret selling Rozental.  

We draw our first game 2-2 at relegated Barnsley. Not the end of the world but I’m concerned by defeat in our second game to Carlisle

Yoshi must have had too many mushrooms, conceding 3 goals from 5 shots on target.

It’s a tougher division so we need to strengthen sooner rather than later.

Oh, hello.

We get our first win of the season at Fratton Park as Antarcitcan new-boy Neira bags a brace. Don’t be sad Mr Portsmouth

Maybe we don’t need Romario after all?

£49k! Every week! Are you kidding? We offer the contract, but Reynolds is reluctant to press the button. These are Champions League wages for Championship players.

But after another shit-show from our strikers, Ryan sanctions the transfer

This is why we love Championship Manager isn’t it. Romario signs for Wrexham! If you think this blog is far-fetched remember it’s this computer game that started it, not me.

All eyes are on the Brazilian for his debut but it’s little known Egyptian left back Kamouna that steals the show. In the 58th minute he rises like the Phoenix and nods home the only goal of the game.

A better performance. Could this kick start our season?

We’re currently off the pace

Despite the finances. Reynolds is less than satisfied. I’ve somewhat surprisingly let a few players go on a free transfer which hasn’t helped Ryan’s mood. Not being one to hide his feelings, Reynolds bursts in the dressing room and interrupts my team talk

 “Up your game Emson & stop wasting my fucking money”

Can we turn it around? Join us next week to find out.

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