Ryan Reynolds’ Wrexham: A Global Force – Part 9: Spend, Spend, Spend! | @emsonite

Recap of Ryan’s rules and milestones:

  • Only 1 player, per nationality in the squad
  • All 7 continents & USA represented in starting XI (Chile represents Antarctica)
  • £20m bank balance at end of season 1 – complete
  • £30m bank balance at end of season 2 – complete
  • Win Premier League within 4 seasons
  • Bonus – Win FA Cup
  • Bonus – Win League Cup

Last week, Wrexham won promotion to the Premier League on the last day of the season. Ryan Reynolds, of course, has been taking all the credit. Making various television appearances. Here he is on MNF.

Reynolds has God-like status in North Wales and has expanded the stadium so even more fans can see him in the flesh.

And boy are they in for a treat this season. Gone are the days of hunting around for bargains, fixing them up and selling on for profit as if we have been on Homes Under the Hammer for the last 2 years.

Wrexham have moved up on the property ladder. We’ve made our money and there’s now £30m of hard-earned cash sitting in the bank. It’s 1999, that’s a War Chest!  If we were on a real estate TV show these days, you’ll find us on Escape to the Country.

Or as I like to call it;C*nts Escaping. (Ps. I despise this show. Rar Rar Rar. Ooooooh ‘the Mystery House!’. And it’s coming under budget at only £795k…. Faaaaaaack Off. Here’s an idea; if you’ve got all that money – LOOK FOR YOUR OWN F*CKING HOUSE!)

I digress. Anyway. Unlike these lazy, bragging toffs; Ryan Reynolds and I are quite capable of spending our own money.

First through the door is premium Antarctican Ivan Zamorano. He wants £50k a week but that’s pocket change these days. In any case, Ivan is worth it. I looked into his eyes and he’s up for the fight.

Zamorano is joined by Martin Dahlin. As such, we can let a couple go.

Miklos Molnar is off to Ligue 1.

And QPR finally have a replacement for Kevin Gallen

Another player coming in is the crap Baggio. Granted, he is no Roberto, but it’s still a big-name signing.

We start the season off with a 1-2 win at Upton Park and follow this up with a demolition of Leicester.

Zamorano has started the season well. And surely things can only get better as we add to the supply line.

Karel Poborsky makes the short journey from Merseyside. Who’s next?

Stop it! A bona fide World Class player on the transfer list. Clarence has had enough of the hustle and bustle of Madrid. So, we set him up with thatched-roof cottage in the Countryside. Somewhere where he can relax. You know. Maybe keep some chickens.

Clarence Seedorf. The whole of North Wales just let out a little wee.

We’re full of confidence going to Old Trafford. You might remember they beat us twice last season. Peter Schmeichel has retired so we might stand a better chance this time.

However, it’s not meant to be once more as we battle for a 0-0 draw. We’ll take the point, but it comes at a cost

It’s not a big a blow as it looks. Patrick has been bang-average since arriving in March so if another Frenchman becomes available, he’ll be out the door. That elusive Frenchman is soon found, and Vieira is transfer listed to accommodate this guy….

Yes, you read that right. DAVID TREZEGUET SIGNS. If Wrexonian cocks were peeing before they are being sick now.

What a signing. David goes straight into the team.

And scores a brace on his debut with a record crowd there to see it

Trezuguet is the real deal, unlike Baggio

Dino is a fraud. I got sucked in. I knew he was crap, but I just liked the idea of having him. Anyway, we make a small profit and he’s not my problem anymore.

With that sale we still have about 20m left to spend.

Highly rated Jonaitis coming in means we must ship out our other Belgian. Emmers swaps the North for South Wales.

I’ve been looking to upgrade our South American coverage for a while now, ideally in central midfield. Centre Half Cruz is out of favour at Man Utd, he can do a job in midfield according to the player search.

Andre has a great debut in the middle of the park, even scoring on his debut

Yes, so all is going well; we’ve got one hell of a team. What could possibly go wrong.

I’d like to say I rotated the squad for the League Cup, but I didn’t. We just got trounced by bottom of the league Derby County. And it hasn’t gone unnoticed.

I know. I know.

But now is not the time to dwell, we’re going great guns in the league. Man City have had their oil money early by the looks of things, but we only worry about ourselves. And we are very much involved in a title race.

3 points separate the Big 6. Can we keep pace? Join us next week to find out.

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