Rules & Objectives

• Vinny Jones captain.
• Only players with Aggression 18+ allowed
• Hurt the opposition; fan prizes for sending offs, opposition injuries and total disciplinary points.
• Thug-o-Meter; every CD Dons game is won, drawn or lost on injuries and cards (5 for a red, 3 for an injury, 1 for a yellow). +3 pts for a win, -1 for a draw, -3 for a loss. At the end of the season, I need to be in positive points, or I’ll get the sack.
• Spanish FA really don’t want us to get promoted or to win anything, pfft.

The Spanish FA have caught wind of CD Dons’ fan incentive scheme, recruitment policy and Thug-o-Meter. They rightly deem this as the breaking of a gentleman’s agreement to respect the Tiki-Taka. Legal proceedings have opened, but it could take years in the courts. The Spanish FA were particularly aggrieved after Vinny Jones sat down with their lawyers and told them in no uncertain terms that CD Dons “will not comply. Now, fuck off”.

Now that’s cleared up, we get on with recruitment. As it stands, we’ve only got 5 players. We need to fill it with bastards before the season starts. We’re looking for aggressive players.

It’s slim pickings but we are not restricted by EEC rules.

(I always knock off the Non-EU rules on the editor, it’s a crap rule. Freedom of movement is in play)

Our first 5 bids are in.

A few familiar faces there. Never realised any of them were particularly aggressive but hey-ho; the stats say otherwise. Le Sulk can whinge all he wants so long as he gets himself sent off now and again.

Next up we have 5 Egyptians

I don’t know what’s made these guys so aggressive. My Assistant Sphinx maybe Mummy dropped them as a child – Dad joke, sorry-not-sorry. Either way it matters not, all 5 are through the door for a combined £27k. You can get some great value in Africa.

Sayed El Swerky sounds like a ruffian. Looks like one too

That’s 15 players. Just enough for our first match.  

You might have noticed we haven’t signed a goalkeeper. That’s because ‘keepers are for wimps! Well, that and a new blog requires new tactics. We are borrowing some tactics from CM-Pep @9798Nikolai. I’ve noticed when you play this system, the #1 RCB becomes your Rush-Goalie – or ‘Travelling-Keeper’ as we call it in the Valleys – and gets ridiculously high average ratings.I’ve used this formation recently in @NTR9798’s Champions League Manager with some decent results, although I haven’t been counting yellow cards.

These fifteen knob-heads represent CD Dons in our very first game. We’re up against Valladolid in the Kings Cup. Remember, the Thug-o-Meter is judging me on how dirty we are. A team full of 18+ aggressive players should pick up more cards and injure players, right?

Well, just about….

David Batty clatters Peternac in the 52^nd minute. Cheers, jubilation and Ole’s! spill out from the home crowd. It’s a good job Batty caused that injury too, as we lost 2-3 on yellow cards

Still, the Thug-o-Meter scoring system is 3 for an injury and 1 for a yellow card which means we win the match 5-3. Everyone has a great day.

Let’s update the Thug-o-Meter for the first time:

And! not forgetting our fan incentive scheme! An injured opposition player means one lucky holidaymaker gets a free crap tattoo from local unhygienic parlour INKcredibles! Danny from Scunthorpe wins the draw and opts for a roaring tiger on his back.

It’s grrrreat! The depth and shading are a sight to behold. Pedro, the artist, has really outdone himself this time. It’s like looking at a photograph.

Football is nothing without the fans and we will try our utmost to win them more prizes. So, I’m adjusting the player search attributes to a minimum of 20 Aggression as we look to bring a few more in.

Let’s see who is available this time.

Again, some familiar names and some random nobodies. Goalkeepers are of no use to me. We put bids in accordingly including for Ian Culverhouse (more about him next week). That’s 5 players hopefully coming to the Benalmadena Arena to add to the high levels of testosterone.

It’s 20^th August 1997, and in our second match we make our bow in the Segunda Division away at Jaen. We’ve got a few players on International duty including our captain Vinny Jones who’s away with Cymru.

Psycho takes the armband and leads us to a 0-2 win on yellow cards. Moldovan Radu Rebeja has an impressive debut with a 9/10 and a booking in just 29 minutes. He’ll be pushing for start next week.

We also win 0-4 in goals scored.

That’s 2 wins from our opening 2 games on both fronts. Let’s take one more look at the Thug-o-Meter as this episode draws to a close

In future, the Thug-o-Meter will be shown at the beginning and end of each episode.

Still no sending offs yet, I wonder how we can generate more cards. Plenty to ponder…

Tune in next week to see how we get on. Goodbye for now, have a great Thursday.