CD Dons – Episode 13: Fernando Couto, remember the name | @Emsonite

Here we go back to Spain where we enjoy Deano’s free flowing football mixed with kicking the snot out of everything that moves. It’s the end of the season but will there be a tattoo to celebrate?

Recap of Rules & Objectives

  • Vinny Jones captain.
  • Only players with Aggression 18+ allowed
  • Hurt the opposition; fan prizes for sending offs, opposition injuries and total disciplinary points.
  • Thug-o-Meter; every CD Dons game is won, drawn or lost on injuries and cards (5 for a red, 3 for an injury, 1 for a yellow). +3 pts for a win, -1 for a draw, -3 for a loss. At the end of the season, I need to be in positive points, or I’ll get the sack.
  • Beat last season’s tally of +40 for extra quadruple pints for the fans
  • Spanish FA really don’t want us to get promoted or to win anything, pfft.

We are losing money left, right and centre. But with only 6 seats at the Benalmadena Arena, overpaid players like Crappy Olsen and the transfer window closed we can’t do much about it right now.

Some prize money would be nice. We’re in the Semi Final of the Kings Cup vs Valencia. We win the first leg, but we should be in the final for all intents and purposes.

The score line flatters Benitez’ men as we had 2 goals disallowed. Then they got a scabby 90th minute away goal from Roger Milla’s great-grandson to leave the tie hanging in the balance.

We’re up against Nick Rowe’s Basque Boys in our next match. Fabian Estay gets himself 2 yellows in the first half and Fernando Couto has the game of his life as we hang on for the win.

I know I’ve mentioned him before, but Fernando Couto is immense in the Travelling Keeper position. If we do go on to win anything it will be mainly thanks to him.

Estay’s red earns some free merch from the market. And these bad boys are hot off the lorry. Nique Air Max. There’s a special offer on – you buy one pair and need another pair next week.

We Annihilate Atletico Madrid in our next game. However, it’s just 1-1 only yellow cards.

Our second leg vs Valencia is swiftly upon us. We got a few injuries and suspensions going into this game including for our main man Couto. To add insult to injury Olsen goes off injured.

Valencia win the game 1-0 to go through to the final on away goals. Wankers.

Ahh Hristo at least got himself sent off in the last minute to clinch a Thug-Win. Alas, we can’t give out any fake merch today as the Spanish Fuzz are sniffing around

Crappy Olsen is out for the rest of the season.

Esnaider too – shit!

Stoitchkov earns himself a free holiday.

Ahh Hristo wants gravy and has heard about these edible serving plates on a plate called ‘Giant Yorkshire Puddings’. He’s off to Ingerlund for 2 weeks. Fill your boots son.

 We draw on yellows against the Drunken Environmentalists then we look for revenge against Valencia.

We get 3 points however, it’s a heavy Thug-Loss as Abdellaoui is inured and Djukic gets sent off for them

Rayo Vallecano are next & we get a much needed 3-2 win on yellows.

Next up it’s the BIG ONE as Barcelona come down to the Costa Del Sol

Now if we beat them, CD Dons are pretty much champions.

Barcelona take an early lead through Sonny Anderson then Paulinho Santos has a great half as he takes out two of their main men – Mehmet Scholl and Anderson himself who scored their early goal.

It obviously rattles Barcelona as Fabian Estay equalises late on and Leandro wins it with the last kick of the game!

It’s a famous night for the Dons!

Couto as ever gets the MOM.

Santos the Savage notches 2 injuries, which earns one lucky punter a face tattoo to make his mother proud. Like Dennis Bergkamp, Paul’s got eyes on the back of his head as well now.

The league is almost in our grasp and it could all be over as we play Deportivo. It’s a vintage CD Dons performance.

Vinny Jones injures Guilherme in the 2nd minute. Estay scores yet another goal, and Paulinho Santos gets sent off late on to cap a perfect game.

Tattoo for the injury*:

And fake merch for the Red:

The fans are ecstatic. We win La Liga with 2 games to go.

Vinny leads the celebrations.

To be honest, I’ve actively tried not to win in some games e.g. playing Vinny Jones in goal. I’m just reporting what going on. But the trophy win, ticks it off our list.

The whole thing will be tainted though if we don’t beat the 40+ Thug-o-Meter target. I’ll be sacked otherwise, and the league win will be spoiled for not being won in the right way.

The Thug-o-Meter is currently at +43. All I need to do is avoid defeat in our next 2 games.

First up its Betis. Vinny Jones get his yellow and The Little Shit scores a goal. Alas it’s only 2-2 on yellows.

Thug-o-Meter is at +42

It comes down to the very last game against Las Palmas. I need a win or a draw.

At half time we’re 1-0 down on yellow cards. This could be disastrous

I need to self-sabotage. Less good means more fouls committed, in theory.

Tactical and personnel changes are made. Couto, Milinkovic and Leandro are replaced by 3 aggressive donkeys. Ahh Hristo and Estay drop into midfield where they will hopefully get frustrated.

It works! Players out of position causes confusion in our ranks. Ahh Hristo and The Little Shit pick up yellows in the second half and we win the game 2-1!

The Thug-o-Meter is at +45!

Which means I keep my job and you guys get to read another season of this drivel – aren’t you lucky.

Here’s the final league table

Player of the season is Ahh Hristo.

We transfer list the players that haven’t been pulling their weight, like Anelka.

I’ll mention it again, Fernando Couto in the Travelling Keeper role is something else. Look at this…

And this…

The only thing left to wrap up now is pints for the ex-pats. 288 disciplinary points in total. Let’s round it up to 300. Then treble it because we won the league. = 900. Let round it up to 1000.

Ever wondered what ‘Other Costs’ are spent on?

We’re use our other costs to buy ONE THOUSAND PINTS for the ex-pats

Best fans in the world.

We haven’t got any money to pay up front so just like the irresponsible club we are, we put the night out on the club credit card to worry about another day.

Let’s get steaming.

CD Dons are in the Champions League next year. That should be fun. Catch you next week.

*no pigs were harmed in the making of this episode

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