CD Dons – Episode 23: The End | @Emsonite

For 23 weeks, Deano has amused us with the prospect of borderline criminals winning football matches in Spain. Today, the series ends. How did we get here?

May 2001. End of Season 4. Why am I in Milton Keynes?

I’ve been sacked as CD Dons boss, that’s why. Let me tell you what happened.

Our end of season ‘Thug Form’ went like this:


Not to be confused with a Welsh Train Station, this run of form left us with a measly score on the Thug-o-Meter. +50 was the target which I got nowhere near, so I was given my BFH.

It wasn’t all bad though, we certainly left our mark in our last season.

…. Flashback….

We sold the Moldovan Maniac Radu Rebeja. Not that I wanted to, but I really wanted to sign Edmundo, so everyone was for sale.

We picked up 2 reds in one game against Tenerife

Plenty of reds earning free knock-off merch for our pot-bellied British supporters.

Barry Blake, who would do on to be our Player of the Season, earned himself another free holiday.

Big Bad Barry opted to go to Shagaluf this time. He had ladies throwing their selves at him, being a famous footballer and all.

Unfortunately, when he came back to training, Barry had an STI. The club doctor gave him a course of anti-biotics that cleared it up but for a few weeks he had a cock like a Picnic bar.

We managed to raise enough cash by selling Mauricia to Valladolid in the January transfer window. Finally giving us enough cash for Edmundo.

He was paired with Big Duncan Ferguson as much as possible but was ineligible to play in the Champions League knockouts.

Speaking of the Champions League, we got to the semi finals last season and only went and won the whole competition this year. Seriously. I shit you not! Here’s how we did it.

An easy draw against MGB in the quarters. It was won in the first leg.

4-0 up and the 2nd leg was never really in doubt. We managed to duff up Ilie up as well for good measure.

I was dreading playing Barcelona again, but Bayern Munich knocked them out for us, and we drew them in the Semi’s instead.

The first leg was tense, we lost Sibi for the rest of the season and conceded an away goal. Lasse Olsen took Sibierski’s spot in what turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

In the second leg, Alan Shearer turned back the clock banging in a hattrick to shock the Germans

And so, it came to be that the only 2 teams left standing were us and Monaco, who knocked us out in the semi’s last season. We had a score to settle.

In between the Semi and the Final we did pretty well in the league, injuring a few players along the way.

Of course, injuring other players earned some free tattoos for our fans.

INKcredibles was eventually shut down for poor hygiene practices & running a dodgy tax avoidance scheme with a local football club.

Fernando Couto was breaking records left, right and centre

And so was Big Dunc with his goal scoring exploits

Then the CL Final came around. And we were fortunate somewhat that 2 of Monaco’s big hitters were out – including their goalkeeper.

We lined up like this:

They lined up like that:

In the game itself, Trezuguet gave Monaco an early lead and also had one disallowed. Then up stepped Lasse Olsen, who had previously been nicknamed ‘Crappy’ Olsen. That tag was lifted as he had the last laugh.

Vinny Jones lifted the Champions League Trophy and got his hands his first silverware since 1988.

A bunch of knob-heads without a keeper are European Champions.

Of course, the team went on a 3-day bender and by the time we played our last game, we finished 3rd in La Liga, miles off Barcelona.

Big Bad Barry was our Player of the Season

Earning loads of beer for our fans as usual via accumulated disciplinary points.

Alas, the Thug-o-Meter ended up with a terrible score of +6. It’s almost as if the AI knew what I was up to and reacted to me bringing Championship Manager into disrepute.

Goodbye, Thug-o-Meter.

We smashed it in the first 3 seasons and although it was tame this year, at least we left it in positive points, and we reached over 100 yellow cards again.

But rules are rules. Not reaching the +50 Thug target means that I got sacked. Sam Hammam brought his mate in to break the bad news.

Guess what Sugar Tits, you can’t fire me coz I quit!

CD Dons were deep in debt and soon went into liquidation. This was much to the delight of the Spanish FA who had their Tiki Taka back. We can take pride in winning their pathetic pyramid in Season 2 though.

The makeshift Benalmadena Arena was torn down. I say torn down; it only had 6 seats.

So, in the end, the Dons no longer had a home. And that’s what I’m doing in Milton Keynes. As sign of goodwill, I said I would check out a possible new location for them.

…And that’s the next blog. MK Dons!

Just kidding. I’ve only been to Milton Keynes once in my life and couldn’t wait to leave. What a fucking dive. I don’t want to go there again. Not even for a laugh or not even on a computer game.


2 thoughts on “CD Dons – Episode 23: The End | @Emsonite

  1. Great story, thanks for sharing – sorry it had to come to an end, despite Blake’s best efforts! And glad you weren’t serious about MK, an utter abomination of a “club”…

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