Hello and Happy Saturday to you. Deano’s had another idea…I can’t do it justice. Enjoy.
Hello and welcome to a new blog series.
This isn’t going to be as long or as daft as the Wrexham and CD Dons adventures. This new mini-series was inspired by Harry Kane banging in 7 goals in 4 days in November 2021 against Albania and San Marino as he marches on to becoming England’s record goal scorer. Now, I’m not dissing Kane, but I was thinking at the time ‘Any bugger can do that if they are playing San Marino every week!’. Okay, not any bugger. But someone bang-average probably could. This series is an attempt to make Littlejohn England’s top ever goal scorer.
Before we start & for clarification. We are talking about this Littlejohn:
Not this one:
I said not this blog is not going to be as daft the other ones. I didn’t say not daft. Anyone who has read a blog of mine before will know this is the part where an over-elaborated and utterly pointless back story is told to set the scene. And this blog is no different.
Around the World with Adrian Littlejohn
It was a wet summers day in the Southwest of England and Mr and Mrs Littlejohn were at home watching daytime TV. And on pops the Nations favourite, Bargain Hunt.
The couple on there that day made a £168 profit and got the Golden Gavel for having a profit on all 3 items. Mrs Littlejohn got all excited and let out a little wee. As she was putting her pinny on to get back to baking, she said to Mr Littlejohn ‘Bargain Hunt looks easy, perhaps we should go on.’
Now playing in the lower leagues in 1997/98 doesn’t pay great money so Mr Littlejohn said he would post a letter to the BBC on the way to Plymouth training.
The letter read:
Pleez let us come on bargin hunt. Skint. I rekon we win and get golden gavel.
Let me know, mate
Such a charming letter found its way to the producers who scheduled them on at the earliest opportunity. They had £300 to buy 3 items from an antique shop. Whilst Mrs Littlejohn was looking for stereotypical girly stuff like necklaces, broaches and the like. Something else caught Adrian’s eye.
It was an old mysterious looking lamp. Being a big fan of Aladdin, Adrian wondered what would happen if he rubbed it. So, he gave it a good old rub. And wouldn’t you know it – a fucking genie appeared.
Genie – I grant you 3 wishes. And ixnay on the wishing for more wishes. That’s it – 3. But you’ll have to be quick, you’ve still got 2 items to buy on Bargain Hunt.
Adrian was on the spot and being a semi-professional footballer, he said. “Well, I never had a fair crack in the Premier League. Genie, I wish to be a Premier League legend!”
G – Okay that’s one. Anything else?
AL – I wish to be England’s greatest ever goal scorer
G – Don’t push your luck, mate.
AL – But that’s my f*cking wish! Call yourself a Genie
G – Okay okay, I’ll do my best. You have one more. Make it a good one. Hurry up, you’re still on Bargain Hunt.
AL – Genie, I wish to see the world. Haven’t been on proper holidays for years, Plymouth pay peanuts.
Pooof! And in that moment the Genie disappeared in a puff of smoke and left behind a brand-new Great British passport.
The whole encounter really knocked Adrian off his stride on Bargain Hunt though. Mr and Mrs Littlejohn posted a £82 loss and argued in front of the TV cameras. They had to be separated by David Dickinson. Mrs Littlejohn blamed it all on Adrian. She kicked him out, threw his clothes out of the bedroom window and they got divorced soon after. Adrian always regretted this afternoon. Blowing his only chance at getting a Golden Gavel and all.
Anyway, the next day Genie drops me a line (Me and Genie are friends by the way, and has my phone number- obviously)
G – Look he is what he is. Littlejohn didn’t have the sense to ask for increased stats or ability so this wish list will require some managerial intervention. Try and make him a Premier League legend and England’s top goal scorer. Oh, and he wants to see the world as well, poor bastard only goes to Butlins once a year on Sun Holidays.
- I’ll do my best Genie. England’s top scorer is understandable, but can you define Premier League legend?
G – I don’t know. Get him into the 100 club and win the league I suppose.
- Any rules?
G – no.
Here we go!
First thing I do is appoint myself Man Utd and England manager – as you do. The plan is to build a team around Littlejohn and make him the only striker for club and country to increase his chances of scoring goals. Playing on the European and International stage should increase his air miles too.
We’re playing the OG version and before anyone starts, I haven’t fiddled with any stats on the editor, he is what he is. Take my word for it and read on or don’t. Simples.
First thing I need to do is buy the little fucker. Fortunately, he’s got a big-club release clause.
We offer him a bumper contract. I want him to feel like a big player
And with that, he’s a Man Utd player on £25k a week.
Adrian Littlejohn can’t believe his luck. He’s now Man Utd’s main striker on mega bucks. His ex-wife is spitting feathers.
Charity Shield – It’s debut time.
Adrian Littlejohn is a F R/C so we are going to play him in his perfect position on paper and build the team to support him. He’s on pens and free kicks as well. The front line is all his own – and will be every time he plays for club and country.
As debuts go it wasn’t that bad. Littlejohn had plenty of chances which bodes well for the future if not his current finishing ability. 6 shots with 3 on target. 7 out of 10 for performance.
He may have missed a hat load of chances but even so, Littlejohn gets his hands on his first piece of silverware as Ed De Goey scored an own goal.