Dean Smith doesn’t want to be Japanese – Part 5: Wemberly! | @Emsonite

Happy weekend! Here’s Deano with some more of Dean Smith trying to get his passport back

Konichiwa! Partying like it’s 1999 because, it is 1999 and me and Dean Smith are at Wembley

For the FA Cup final? For the League Cup final?

No spoilers just yet – you’ll have to prolong your morning poo. Scroll on to find out.

Rewind. August 1998.

We’re a Division 2 club now. I’ve never thought there’s much difference between Division 2 & Division 3 so won’t bother covering league action. Confident of promotion but this could be our last chance to win the Windscreen Shield after being Littlejohn’d in the Area Final last season.

The other thing I’m going to do this season is move Super Mario Stanic up front and drop Fukuda into the hole. Shoji Jo is crap. I don’t think Winston and Carl Griffo aren’t going to cut it in the big leagues so I’m going to try and make a prolific striker out of Stanic now, ready for later on.

We’ll follow the Windscreen this episode and if I start doing well in the other cups will drop in on those too.

On the transfer front there isn’t a lot I can do – we already have every Asian player possible at this moment in time. E. Honda has set up a feeder club at Kidderminster, we’ll buy some of those players if they turn out any good.

Windscreen Groups: Orient v Southend

Griffo gives us an early 2 goal lead. Southend have a goal disallowed in the second half. Mario has a stinker. But in the end, we sneak an uninspiring win. Yoshi is shit. but I don’t want to go down the no-keeper route again.

Gillingham v Orient


Insert sleep emoji. Loving the OG backgrounds though, courtesy of @NTR9798

That draw sends us through to the knockouts

I wasn’t going to mention the league, but this was about revenge. Have it.

Windscreen 2nd Round: Orient v Barnet

Tough first half but pissed it in the second. Barnet are shit. On we go.

League Cup exit vs Blackburn

Dumped out of the League Cup 4th Round at Ewood Park. Deano got injured in the process and was out for a month.

FA Cup exit vs QPR

We whimper out early in the FA Cup as well. This time at Loftus Road.

I swear we were a better team last season. On that note, I’ve realised Super Mario Stanic is not a striker. He’s put back in the hole where he was dynamite last season.

Any Quincy’s among you would have concluded that we must be at Wembley for the Windscreen Shield Final then. Correct. Case closed. Let’s find out how we got there.

Windscreen Quarter Final – Peterborough

Putting Stanic back in the hole pays dividends.

Windscreen Semi Final – Brentford

We play like a pub team. Hangovers. Sick on the side-lines. Fags at half time. But luckily, Brentford didn’t take their chances and Yoshi picked a good day have the game of his life.


Through on penalties, Yoshi is mobbed after making the winning save

Through to the Area Final, where we got knocked out last season.

Windscreen Area Final – Gillingham

Jason Statham gives The Gills and early lead but a quick-fire double from our Japanese front two puts us in pole position going into the second leg.

We’ve got a few injuries going into the second game though. Winston, Fukuda and Bjorn were all out. And we struggle.

The game was a bit like an Asian porn star’s privates – not pretty, the grass was a bit long. But it in the end there was just enough to get the job done.   

Through on away goals.

Which brings you right up to date here at Wembley. Where we will play Chris Waddle’s Burnley

Windscreen Final – Burnley

This is how they line up

For all the Japanese fans in the stadium and talent on the pitch, it’s our Chinese midfield linchpin that’s steals the show and wins the cup on the hour mark

A dominate win. Dean Smith lifts the Windscreen Shield. All the players would have won free windscreen repairs for life, but the fans started chanting “Autoglass Repair, Autoglass Replace” and that put paid to that.

Feng Jiang MOM. He cost just £5k and has been brilliant for the last two years.

Dean Smith on his lap of honour, gets a nod of approval from an onlooking Japanese government official in the stand

And Smithy is pulled out of the celebrations by an ITV pitch-side reporter.

“Congratulations Dean. Sum up what this means to the club and for you personally”

“Thank you. Yeah, it’s great day for the fans. I thought we deserved it. To win some silverware is great. I don’t think it’ll be enough to get my passport back like, but it’s a fucking start init.”

Dean Smith’s Leyton Orient are in Division 1 next season, surely a promotion push for the Premier League will help his cause. We’ll need to strengthen in the summer though if that’s going to happen.

And we’ll have to look abroad. Because E. Honda’s feeder club experiment with Kidderminster has been a complete disaster.

Utter shit. No players have come through. I won’t be doing that again. Sorry to say but last week’s episode was a compete waste of time. Lol. Let’s hope this one isn’t.


First trophy in the bag.

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