Well, well, well. Who honestly thought we’d be back here? Season 13 is about to get underway and the Retirement Home are back in the Premier League. I’m not really sure how, but the playoff final was decided by penalties and despite the idiot manager leaving the penalty takers as the automatic choices, we did it. Suggestions that we’d have lost the shootout had I picked the players remain unfounded…

To the transfer market then and all of a sudden these old lads can’t wait to join me. Here’s Tore Andre Flo.

Jordi Cruyff has 105 caps for Holland. Just think about that for a minute.

That’s 13 more than Marc Overmars, who also joins.

Bjorkan looks like he still has a lot to offer. Even if he doesn’t, he has 19 for set pieces which is half the battle.

Juan Veron is in his 35th year. He also looks like he has something left in the tank.

Lock up your…nevermind. Here’s Giggsy, released from relegated Man Utd.

Solskjaer has been at Liverpool but they’ve released him, not surprising when you see he’s 36. Is he still the baby faced assassin or just an old mess?

Well look who came crawling back? I needed some full back cover and Moises got sacked as Villarreal manager.

Aitor Karanka starts the game at Real Madrid. He’s aggressive, which won’t help, but he will do.

Finally I decided to buy a new goalkeeper. Keith Moore seems to add up statistically but will it work out where it really matters?

Here’s the squad then for the opening day. Moore (23), Veron (34) and Eckhardt (26) are the young-uns but Veron will turn 35 in March.

I’m sick of hanging on in these games so we’re going back to the 2 centre backs instead of 3. Better to die on your feet than live in your knees, am I right guys?

Guys?

A poor start is made worse when Juan Veron, our youngest and therefore best outfield player is knacked. For four months. Give me strength.

Penalties were a constant nuisance last season but now we have talent they should be a cinch. No? Solskjaer wastes the golden opportunity to put us  1-0 up against 10 men. Giggs and Flo depart injured, the funny thing here is that Flo came on for the injured Giggs. What a ridiculous state of affairs. Anyway third sub Jordi Cruyff does make it 1-0 before a second half melt down sees the 10 men go 3-1 up. Moreno pulls one back but it’s a false dawn. At least we scored, right guys?

Conceicao signs. It might help.

Keith B-Real gets injured in training so 37 year old Zarp takes the gloves away at Sunderland. Trezeguet scores four. Please heal up quickly, Keith.

He misses the visit of Newcastle too, where 35 year old Neset scores twice. Why can’t my old lads be like him?

Moore is back for the trip to Hull but it doesn’t help. You may recall our last time in the Premier League it took us over 20 games to pick up a win. We’re well on the way to that happening again.

An almost full house watches us lose at home to Blackburn. Lopez halves the deficit but it’s too little too late. Grimm indeed.

This is our day. Former Retirement Home defender Gary Mabbutt isn’t having the best time at Spurs and our Norwegian duo put us 3-0 up inside half an hour and that wait is about to be over. With 17 minutes left, Spurs get a consolation. Then a second. Then finally an equaliser. We’re doomed.

The League Cup! That’ll help. Barron about sums us up and a first leg defeat to lower league opposition sums up just how desperate our plight is.

That’s more like it! A bit of fight sees us come from behind twice to draw with Everton. We need a win though.

Will we get it at Huddersfield? No, we’ll get a red card inside 3 minutes and George Ndah runs wild. For goodness sake.

We take the lead at home to Villa but Homer equalises. Draws are all well and good but we’re already in danger of being cut adrift.

We’re out of the League Cup. Pathetic.

Sheff Wed top the pile and are unbeaten. Imagine my surprise when we draw 0-0 there?! We don’t deserve to win but it’s a feather in our defensive cap.

Kevin Gallen joins. At £250k he doesn’t cost much but we desperately need him to score goals and quickly.

Bristol Rovers and our history have intertwined on several occasions over the past 13 seasons. A new chapter is written today, as they become the first team to lose to the Retirement Home. It’s only October, we’re off and running.

Giggs is out for 2 months and now Flava Flav one month. Still, we’re not bottom of the table. Somehow.

There’s a lot of work to be done. We’re 7 points adrift of the main pack and still 3 (effectively 4) behind Leicester, so I’m not exactly jumping for joy right now. But we’ve given ourselves a chance. See you next week!