It’s back to Deano’s latest project as the Costa Del Dons begin to take shape. Has Vinny got any teammates? What do the locals want?
Having been granted permission to join the Segunda Division, we get to work on our kit and stadium. The Wimbledon colours remain but are switched around, so our players don’t bake in dark blue. We look more like Oxford now, but you won’t find many University degrees in our playing squad. We are going for less brains, more brawn as will be explained.
CD Dons will play at a 40,000 stadium with 6 seats. Built by some local cowboys, cash in-hand. Welcome to the Benalmadena Arena.
But how are we going to fill it? We need punters to attend for revenue. If no-one turns up, we might have to go back to Relocation Plan A: Milton Keynes. Yuk. So, I commission Lunn Poly to conduct some Market Research. We offer all participants a Full English and a Pint. There is no shortage of people willing to give their opinion.
The results are emphatic.
We asked the ex-pats what would make them want to buy a season ticket. They said:
- Aggressive direct football, none of this tiki-taka shite
- Crunching tackles
- Sending offs
- Be great if the team can win something, that would really piss the Spanish off
As well as appealing to ex-pats, we need holidaymakers to attend the games. Our research tells us when people go to Costa Del Sol, they want:
- To get pissed
- Fake merchandise
- A crap Tattoo
- Home comforts
This information is fed back to the board. Shortly after, a recruitment and reward fan incentive scheme is advertised across Costa Del Sol
Taking on board the market research we team up with some local sponsors and will be offering the following incentives depending on how dirty the team play and how many people turn up:
- A free copy of The Sun for every fan at every home game
Simply show your ticket stub at your local tacky-crap shop next to the Hotel and redeem your free copy of The Sun. It is envisaged that sales in tea towels and fridge magnets will go up as a result. So it’s a win-win. This is a good offer as newspapers aren’t cheap abroad. Sun holding fans will surely make friends back at the Hotel pool as everyone wants their turn to read it. A little reminder of what it means to be British, providing that chest-pumping home comfort every British tourist craves.
- Player sent off – for every CD Dons player that is sent off one lucky fan will receive a fake item of their choice. We’ve teamed up with three local market stalls where the winners can choose between a Football shirt & shorts, a Gucci bag for the Missus or a pair of Raybans. They look the real deal, and nobody will ever tell the difference.
- Opposition player injured – fans are really going to cheer when an opposition player gets injured as we’ve also teamed up with an unhygienic Tattoo Parlour. The winner of this draw will go to InKcredicle’s and get a free permanent memory to be proud of.
- Disciplinary Points – The amount of disciplinary points accumulated at the end of the season will equal Pints of Lager at a local bar. So, the more bookings and sending offs we get, the more drunk and disorderly people can be.
All these incentives should get the punters through the turnstiles and create a hostile atmosphere. This is converted into a tmdata following rating of 15 on the editor.
Now the fans have spoken, we got to give the people, give the people what they want.
But how are we going monitor performance?
Introducing the CD Dons alternative table… The Thug-o-Meter
Winning football matches in the traditional way is only half the battle here. The other half of my job is to keep the Thug-o-Meter ticking over. This alternative table will monitor games won on injuries & cards. To get a ‘win’ I’ll need to beat the opposition in reds, yellows and injuries.
The scoring system is 5 for a Red card, 3 for causing injury, 1 for a yellow card for each team. Totalled up at the end of the game to see who wins at thuggery.
- 3 points for a win
- -1 for a draw
- -3 for a loss
At the end of the season, the Thug-o-Meter will determine my fate. To keep my job, I need to be in positive points. If I’m level or in negative points, I will be deemed a wimp and duly sacked.
The ultimate goal is to keep my job by out-thugging the opposition, and to win the Kings Cup or La Liga to piss the Spanish off.
I need the right players to implement our vision. If we are going to accumulate cards and injure players, then we need aggressive players. As such, no player can play for Costa Del Dons unless they have a minimum of 18 Aggression.
This means current Wimbledon hard nuts Ceri Hughes & Vinny Jones are on the plane. The rest of the Wimbledon squad are left behind.
That’s 2 only players. But word has started to spread about ‘the project’ and hard men all over the country are breaking their contracts to join CD Dons. Let’s look at three players who want a piece of this
Stuart Pearce. They don’t call him Psycho for nothing
David Batty gets yellow cards for Christmas.
Big Dunc. He’ll fit right in.
This only gives us 5 players though. Luckily for Costa Del Dons, Vinny Jones has been filming Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels and has some wealthy contacts. Sting wants to see how this plays out and slips us £10m. However, his message in the bottle says his mate, Vinny, must play every game and get the captain’s armband. Fair enough for £10m, I suppose.
Join us next week when we buy some players and CD Dons rampage into their first game.