CD Dons – Episode 4: Spice Boys | @Emsonite

Good morning and welcome to Thursday. Here’s Deano with the latest from CD Dons and as ever, here’s the recap:

Recap of Rules & Objectives

  • Vinny Jones captain.
  • Only players with Aggression 18+ allowed
  • Hurt the opposition; fan prizes for sending offs, opposition injuries and total disciplinary points.
  • Thug-o-Meter; every CD Dons game is won, drawn, or lost on injuries and cards (5 for a red, 3 for an injury, 1 for a yellow). +3 pts for a win, -1 for a draw, -3 for a loss. At the end of the season, I need to be in positive points, or I’ll get the sack.
  • Spanish FA really don’t want us to get promoted or to win anything, pfft.

After 2 marginal wins at Thuggery last week, we upped our player search attributes to a minimum of 20 Aggression. New players are through the door with the hope of picking up more cards and injuring the opposition. Ian Culverhouse sounds like he’s no-nonsense.

Surely the 32-year-old is going to relish the chance of a swansong in the Costa Del Sol. Hopefully bring some heavy metal. It’s a fair investment as we pay £650k to prize him from Swindon. I’m curious to know what he looks like. I bet he’s hard as nails.

FFS. Great, we’ve signed a fucking Spice Boy. Ian is more Westlife than Crazy Gang. Doubt we’ll hang onto him for very long. He’s got a lot of convincing to do.  

On we go in the league. Vinny is back from Welsh duty as we welcome Eibar. Culverhouse scores a debut goal as we win 5-3 on yellows. But it’s Stuart Pearce who steals the show, covering the goal in the second half, getting a 10/10, MOM and a yellow card. That is a leader of men.

Celtic make a bid for Batty

However, being the only CD Dons player to cause injury so far, we reject the offer. David is complaining that he wants to move to a bigger club. Go tell someone who cares. Suck it up buttercup.

We play our second leg vs Villarreal and it’s another game – another win. 2-1 on yellows. That is 4 wins in a row.

It’s still not convincing though. I wonder if my team and tactics are too good for this league. I’m going to recruit a few aggressive players that are not that good at football – a la Vinny Jones. It’s a fine balance though, we don’t want to be too crap as I still want to get promoted.

This guy looks like he could be a good addition:

  • 20 Aggression
  • 2 bookings already this season.
  • Can play in Nikolai’s system
  • And, by all accounts, looks pretty shit.

A bid is made to Badajoz.

I also make some downgrades in my starting XI with Ceri Hughes getting his first start. And Cifer, with a late yellow from the bench in the last game, comes into the team.

We shade the next game 4-3 on yellows. Spice Boy Culverhouse gets his first yellow for the club after I told him to shave his head.

That’s 5 wins from 5 and the Thug-o-Meter has me at +15.

In the actual game of football, Nikolai’s no-keeper formation is working very well. The two 2 CBs are getting ridiculous averages, especially the one covering the goal. Cifer and Pearce both getting 10/10. Will we ever need a ‘keeper again?

It’s working so well in fact that I pick up the August Manager of the Month award, much to the annoyance of the Spanish media

I don’t know what they are so upset about. We may not be playing the Spanish-way, but we haven’t had a single sending off yet. I’m winning without even trying, it’s not my fault your pyramid is a joke.

Talking of no sending offs. The CD Dons fans have noticed our lack of reds and are starting to get a little restless. They want some free merch man!

We’re at home to Orense and are booed-off after losing 1-2 at home on yellow cards. The fans want their prizes. Not even free copies of The Sun can keep them happy. It’s embarrassing.

On the face of it, that’s our first defeat in 6 games. But the Thug-o-Meter flatters us. The fans aren’t happy, and neither is Vinny Jones. Our captain has got a few bones to pick in the dressing room. He’s not having it, and rightly so.

“I smell Spice Boys. Start cracking skulls or I’ll start cracking yours”

Alas, not a single injury or red card to report in this episode I’m afraid. Still early days though. I’m hoping our newfound self-sabotage will pay dividends soon.

Join us next week when we try all we can to make the Thug-o-Meter look a little more resounding.

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  1. Pingback: CD Dons – Episode 5: The Little Sh*t | @Emsonite | CM 97/98

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