CD Dons – Episode 6: Big Blokes with Small Tackles | @Emsonite

I can’t really tee up Deano, the man speaks for himself. As ever here’s a recap of what is going on here and then over to Spain for the latest:

Recap of Rules & Objectives

  • Vinny Jones captain.
  • Only players with Aggression 18+ allowed
  • Hurt the opposition; fan prizes for sending offs, opposition injuries and total disciplinary points.
  • Thug-o-Meter; every CD Dons game is won, drawn or lost on injuries and cards (5 for a red, 3 for an injury, 1 for a yellow). +3 pts for a win, -1 for a draw, -3 for a loss. At the end of the season, I need to be in positive points, or I’ll get the sack.
  • Spanish FA really don’t want us to get promoted or to win anything, pfft.

It’s been a decent start in the Costa Del Sol. We’re top of the league and +23 on the Thug-o-Meter. The fans have received prizes and attendances have been increasing.

We’re out of the Kings Cup though after being dumped out by Espanyol. We did smash them 4-1 on yellow cards, however. And we back this skulduggery up with another two straight wins on yellows including this game against Rayo Vallecano. The Little Shit gets the winner with 10 minutes to go to keep the Thug-o-Meter ticking over.

But we get absolutely robbed against Extremadura in our next game. 22 fouls committed and not a single card or injury caused.

Vincent even gets away with calling the ref ‘a wanker’ as we lose 0-2 on yellows.

Poor ref didn’t know what was going on, he thought we should be happy with the 4 goals we scored. And I suppose, being Spanish, he didn’t know what wanker meant either.

‘Gilipollas’ is the Spanish translation for wanker in case you were wondering. Curse anyone that says this blog is not educational.

Proud Daddy moment as The Little Shit gets his first sending off.

He really is a little shit. If I wasn’t using Word I would insert a heart emoji right here.

That sending off earns one lucky fan a genuine fake item of their choice from the market. Let’s have a pair of Ray-Bans boss!

The Little Shit of course will be suspended and have a fully deserved holiday.  In an added incentive to our players, we’ve told the CD Dons squad that all suspensions for 2+ matches will be rewarded with an all-expenses vacation of their choice whilst they are ineligible to play.

But the new incentive doesn’t work particularly well at first. We get absolutely battered 7-0 by Sevilla in our next game. A sending off and 2 yellows for Sevilla, to our absolute zero. This is followed by a 2-2 draw on yellows against Levante.

We need to shake up the squad. Alex Fernandez is sold to Villa for £3m. Not a single yellow card in 8 appearances. We can’t be carrying anybody.

Duncan Ferguson is clambering for a move as well

I can see why; in footballing terms he is absolutely ripping up the Spanish Championship. I told him not to get too big for his boots as it’s basically a pub league.

Just the two yellow cards but there’s no way he is for sale.

Good news, the transfer window is back open. Now to try out another theory.

My good friend outside of the Twitterverse, @thetynter, and I were discussing how CD Dons can get shown more cards. He suggested as well as upping the aggression to 20, reduce the tackling to single figures. The theory being we will have aggressive players that can’t tackle properly and therefore commit more fouls.

Is it no coincidence this is exactly what The Little Shit has going for him?

20 aggression, 4 tackling. 6 yellows and 1 red. However, this does not reflect the number of free kicks he gives away. His ‘xG’ (or xR?) is a lot higher

So as the transfer window is open again, this is what we are looking for:

Only four players fit the mould on the Interested Foreign Based list. They all get a bid.

And one more from the domestic pool. Carlos is plucked from the dole queue to join CD Dons

Macias looks perfect for this theory with 20 Aggression & 1 Tackling.

In our next match we go 0-2 up on injuries, only for Big Dunc to get injured himself. It’s really funny and all the fans and players from both sides point and laugh at Duncan Ferguson as he is stretchered off holding his leg. Dunc is out for two weeks with a sore foot. What a wimp.

The fans are happy, another prize is won. 2-1 on injuries = one budget tattoo from INKredibles. Being an inclusive & progressive club, we can take the piss out of women’s tattoos as well. They’re all off google images – every expense spared.

I can’t believe Pedro spelt juicy wrong.

Milinkovic is the first CD Dons player to earn himself a free two-week holiday paid for by the club. We are looking after our players as well as the fans.

The Bosnian decides to charter a private jet to Vegas & is he given spending money to engage in acts of debauchery. See you in a couple of weeks.

Good luck to him, let that be an example for others.

In our next game we give debuts to Venezuelan Conseulo & local boy Macias. Yallop and Quintongo are on the bench. It weakens our team but hopefully striking that balance between being just good enough and dirtier. A debut yellow for Consuelo is a good sign. However, it’s the Moldovan maniac Radu Rebeja that steals the show; 10/10, MOM, 2 goals and a yellow. Simply outstanding.

We win 2-1 to leave the Thug-o-Meter in a very healthy position as we bid farewell to this episode.

Can we maintain our form on both fronts so I can keep my job and get promoted?  Sorry to ruin the cliff-hanger, but of course we do – the Spanish Championship is absolute dogshite in case I haven’t mentioned that yet. Join us next week anyway!

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