CD Dons – Episode 15: Double Down | @Emsonite

Recap of Rules & Objectives

  • Vinny Jones captain.
  • Only players with Aggression 18+ allowed
  • Hurt the opposition; fan prizes for sending offs, opposition injuries and total disciplinary points.
  • Thug-o-Meter; every CD Dons game is won, drawn or lost on injuries and cards (5 for a red, 3 for an injury, 1 for a yellow). +3 pts for a win, -1 for a draw, -3 for a loss. Double in Europe. At the end of the season, I need to be in positive points, or I’ll get the sack.
  • Beat last season’s tally of +45

Last week the Spanish tucked us up at the Annual Awards and dealt us a dodgy set of opening fixtures to boot. It’s obvious the Spanish don’t like us, and Sam Hamman calls a team meeting to address the elephant in the room.

He also instructs us not to improve our behaviour, on the contrary the intention is to double-down. More on that later.

Our first game of La Liga sees us travel to Hala Madrid and we embarrass them in front of their own fickle fans once again. Sibierski scores twice off the bench and Couto gets his customary 10/10 in blue lights.

We take a comfortable 3-0 win on yellows as well which is just bloody lovely.

Next up Barcelona travel down to the South Coast. We make some changes as we try to overturn 1-0 defeat on yellows. We don’t pick up any cards, but we do win the game with two late goals to send the Catalonians home sulking.

Alas, the Thug-o-Meter is set back to ZERO.

The third of our tough opening fixtures is against Valencia, who we just beat in the Charity Shield. It’s a 3-2 win on yellows and a draw in La Liga, with Sibierski in brilliant form once again.

Next up we have a very scary fixture. I’ve seen Breaking Bad. I know not to fuck with the Salamanca’s

Their Chairman wasn’t happy that we inured one of their players, so we didn’t complain when they took one of ours out as well.

Did I mention we’re in the Champions League this season? Much to Spanish irritation. The fans and Sam Hamann all agree that we that as we are representing Spain, Thug-Wins are even more important. Those Spanish dick heads tucked us up in the Annual Awards so we must do our best to embarrass them on the International Stage. Let the rest of Europe get the wrong idea about how they thought Espana was the land of the Tiki Taka. Vinny Jones’ heavy breathing no-keeper hoodlums are the perfect antidote to that cringey image.

Such is the importance – Thug-o-Meter points are DOUBLED in European fixtures. As we try to reach a massive +45 target this season, the Champions League games are either going to be a big help if we win or a massive hinderance if we lose.

First up we have Benfica. It’s a tight game that we lose 1-2 on goals but win 2-1 on yellows for 6 Thug Points.

Back to La Liga and we get a comfortable Thug Win as Couto gets his second red of the season. We can’t hold on for a draw without his goalkeeping exploits, however.

Couto earns some free merch for the fans, these Adidas trainers from the market are so good they got an extra stripe on them.

Couto has really been pulling his weight with cards this season and earns himself a 2-week break

Last time he went on a self-improving mission trying out Mongolian Wrestling which is obviously paying off with 2 reds already this season. This time he’s off to compete in Muay Thai to toughen up his shins.


Tong Po, boy.

The transfer deadline is swiftly upon us. We’ve been saving up for Alan Shearer, but as Sods Law would have it, he is unavailable on deadline day. So, we bring in some reinforcements in midfield instead.

Amaral (A-18) comes in from Benfica

Hadji (A-20) comes in from Deportivo.

Talking of Deportivo, we absolutely demolish them in our next match.

The Little Shit took out Patrick Berger late on to earn a free tattoo for one of our freaky fans.


Back to Champions League action and we sneak a 2-1 win on both fronts against Red Star Belgrade.

The prize money is very welcome as this CD Dons project makes no business sense whatsoever.

The 2-1 sneaky win on both fronts is repeated vs Tenerife.

Then we take a battering against Betis in our next game.

They turn us over on yellows and injure the in-form Sibierski for 2 months.


The last game of this episode see’s the mighty Bayern Munich come to town. Bayern are like Van Damns older brother vs Tong Po in Kickboxer, they underestimate us and we do ‘em over. Paulinho Santos gets sent off and the Bayern fans can’t understand why he gets a standing ovation.

Bayern are freaked out and are happy just to get out of there without any injuries and to be still top of the group on goal difference.

The La Liga table is looking pretty good for us as well.

The Thug-o-Meter is looking great guns at +30 too.

That’s it for this week. Join us next Thursday where we continue our European adventure. See you then…

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