Around the World with Adrian Littlejohn – Part 2: No Planet B | @Emsonite

Happy Weekend! Here’s Deano with more from Adrian Littlejohn…

There’re mutterings at the Bus Station in Digbeth. Puzzled faces on the punters at the pub.

The question on everybody’s lips is why is this series called ‘Around the World with Adrian Littlejohn?’…  (and by everybody’s, I mean no one’s)

Nevertheless, I will explain

The Genie from Aladdin has asked me to make Adrian Littlejohn England’s top ever goal scorer. There are no rules to achieve this. And as Harry Kane will tell you, the best way to achieve this is to play against as many plumbers & pub teams as possible. So, I’m cancelling these tough friendlies:

And arranging these piss easy ones instead:

You’ll notice that we are playing all the friendlies away from home. That’s because Adrian’s other wish was to see the world. Plus, Climate Change wasn’t really a thing back in the 90s so fuck the air miles.

Calm down. It’s only a joke. If you want to have a pop at somebody have a word with Greenpeace who keep posting glossy newsletters through my door every month.

Anyway. Hence the name ‘Around the World with Adrian Littlejohn.’

You’ll notice we even managed to squeeze in an extra friendly in North Korea too. Supreme leader Kim Jung Un is well happy about us coming over.

To coincide with Adrian’s International career, we also need to make him a Premier League legend. 89 Premier League goals are required if he is going to get his own half hour Sky Sports 100-Club episode to play over and over and over and over. And over. Again.

Adrian already scored 11 Premier League goals for Sheff Utd in the early 90s before he dropped down the leagues. And he gets his first goal for Man Utd at the third time of asking at Hillsborough.

He’s not exactly pulling up any trees though. Which is why it’s a surprise when Adrian Littlejohn is selected for England.

On hearing the news his call up, the Tabloids assume Glenn Hoddles faith healer Eileen Drury has poisoned his thoughts again with her Jedi mind tricks.

Headlines are printed



Nobody suspects it’s the work of the Genie.  And why would they. That would just be ridiculous.

They are also wondering why the England team are jetting off all over the world playing a bunch of pointless friendlies. They think we are just going for a jolly. Which absolutely correct. Poor Littlejohn has been skint all his life playing for Plymouth and only goes on Sun Holidays when he can afford them. This is his chance to travel.

Destination: Barbados

We book the most expensive beach front 5-star luxury hotel the FA can afford.

It’s all fun and games. Snorkelling and Cocktails. We do have a game to play though. And just like with Man Utd, Adrian Littlejohn is the main man. Up front on his own.

The island isn’t big enough for a football arena. Their ‘National Stadium’ is just some cricket stumps in the sand next to the beach bar. Adrian Littlejohn bags himself a hat trick on his England debut with some bang-average finishing against a goalkeeper who likes to get stoned on mara-marijuana.

Barbados’ goal came after David Seaman was distracted by a man squatting in the sand taking a Dudu.  

But never mind goals being conceded. It’s not about the result. I’m Welsh. I couldn’t care less if England win or not. It’s all about Littlejohn scoring goals. And he’s off the mark!

Bobby Charlton’s 49 is the target to beat in 1997/98.

Adrian now has England statistics, just like he always dreamt of as a boy. And he’s been to Barbados on a lads holiday.

His wife wants to patch things up now he’s earning loads of cash and is a hat-trick bagging England International. Mrs Littlejohn swears a life of celibacy until he returns to her and comes to his senses.

Back to club duty. Not only is Littlejohn a goalscoring England International, he also breaks his duck in the Champions League.

Here he is scoring on his European debut

Man Utd had a piss easy draw.

Destination: Russia

He bags another 2 in Russia and comes back with one of those fur hats to keep his bald head warm.

A fiver says you can’t pronounce the name of the Spartak goal scorer first time.

Despite getting loads of chances, Littlejohn’s conversation rate leaves a lot to be desired.

Case in point on his competitive England debut. 12 shots, 6 on target, just the 1 goal. Still if he keeps getting in there, the goals will come.

He’s chipping in back at his club when he can.

Destination: Italy

The big show down in Rome. England fans wince when they see L.J. is leading the line again. But to everyone’s surprise, Littlejohn was able to breach Maldini n Co’s backline in the annual showdown with Italy. It was the other players that let the country down.

So, we head into the play-offs. Where we will play… Macedonia. Mace-fuckin-donia. England can’t believe their luck with that draw.

That could have been a lot worse. Surely Littlejohn should be able to get another one or two against a bunch of part-timers.

Well, no.

Destination: Macedonia

The wingers do the business in Gradski, Littlejohn wasted a lot of chances as per usual.

And in leg 2 England barely scrape through. Littlejohn had an absolute stinker.

Still, this series isn’t about performances. It’s about goals. And there will be at least 3 more chances for Littlejohn to add to his tally because Adrian is going to the World Cup baby, yeah!

Littlejohn has 5 in 5 for England. The stats don’t lie. Join us next week where Ade continues his travels around the globe in pursuit of goals.

Bye for now.

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