A Cock and Red Bull Story – Part 7: No Lauch-ing matter

Guten tag! und wilkommen back to Leipzig for the latest from the Red Bull Arena. Nick’s RB Leipzig side got of to a disastrous start in their Bundesliga debut season last week, and will definitely be needing those infamous red bull wings to climb up the table. Over to Nick…

Here’s how the table’s looking at present, and it’s not nice viewing, for me at least. Still, we’re only a point from safety, and not even half way through the season yet, so there’s still plenty of time for us to turn it around yet.

As it’s Freitag, what better team to start with than Freiburg? We twice get pegged back after leading, with Younga-Mouhani in search of a hat trick that sadly never comes, and it’s a third straight draw and now no win in twelve.

When things aren’t going well on the pitch, I find that signing some new players makes me feel better. Boateng and Salihamidzic are released, and in come two newbies. Torsten Ziegner looks decent on a free transfer…

And I’m chuffed to get Lauchlan for just £95k, but like Billy Mac, the board won’t let me list him for loan, so I doubt we’ll have him long.

It’s a second successive Desmond at Bielefeld, with all four goals coming in the last twenty minutes. Rost thinks he’s won it, but Bielefeld attack in their Maases, for one last throw of the dice and get their reward.

For f*ck sake, Billy…

Karlsruhe are the fourth team to come and beat us at home, the winning goal comes from a man who’s so bad, that one day one of his own fans will offer to swap places, and indeed shirts with him…

The Berlin Wall stands firm as they deliver a performance that takes my breath away…

We stutter against Stuttgart, as Younga goes from hero to villain, and Kläsener feels sorry for the visitors, and gifts them a point. We concede plenty as it is, so we could really do without scoring our opponents’ goals for them.

We’ve reached the halfway part of the season, so back to the start of the fixtures we go. Jena fair slightly better this time around, and leave the Red Bull Arena with a point after a last-minute goal, which I simply Kanop believe…

There’s revenge in Rostock after an early penalty and red card. Younga gets his third goal in three games, and Sritong-In scores his first in five for a much-needed win with ten men.

Bender scores a brace for 1860, and does some sort of robotic dance in celebration, but it’s all way over my head. The fake Pele completes the humiliation just after half time.

That menace Andrily’s at it again for BMGB. Micker Jr pulls one back, but Herr Flick completes the rout, and I do some good moaning in the dressing room after the game.

Transfer deadline day arrives. Our form hasn’t exactly put us on the map, and as a result, no one of any note is even remotely interested in signing for us, so the chequebook stays closed.

Micker Jr is once again our sole scorer at home to Bochum, but despite his efforts, we’re overpowered again, and Szlump to a third consecutive defeat.

Dortmund execute the Heinrich manoeuvre to leave us choked, but we battle back, and Nat King Goal scores his first goal in four games to earn us a famous point at the Westfalen.

We’re 2-1 down at Leverkusen with a little over ten minutes remaining and things are looking Grim, but Petkovic tucks away a penalty to save the day.

We do like a Desmond, and Petkovic is spot on again against Kaiserslautern. We lose Gazza Mk II near the end, and there’s shades of Italia ‘90 as he cries while being stretchered off…

It’s not good news, I do feel for the poor boy…

Odé follows suit, only not for quite as long…

I knew it would only be a matter of time before not listing Lauchlan for loan would come back to bite us, and his stay with us lasted just five months. Still, I only paid £95k for him, so that’s a cracking piece of business…

Ziegner gets his first RB goal to rescue us a point at Werder Bremen. That’s our fourth straight draw, if only we could turn some of these draws into wins, we’d be laughing.

And finally, it’s an absolute disaster at home to Schalke. We’re 1-0 down, but looking like we could equalise, until big Dunc sees red, and then our keeper follows him down the tunnel. My patience really is wearing thin with him…

It’s not looking good, seven games remaining, and eight points from safety. There’s no doubt we are the Bundesliga’s draw specialists, and if we’d managed to win just a few of them, we’d not be in half as much trouble.

Our goals scored column is looking on par with the rest of the league, but unfortunately our goals conceded is an entirely different matter…

I had hoped that we might have managed mid-table or at the very least stayed up, but unfortunately it’s looking like the end is nigh. Join me next week to see if we can produce one of the greatest escapes in footballing history, or whether we’re straight back into the second division. Auf Wiedersehen!

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