A Cock and Red Bull Story – Part 9: Silly Billy

Guten Morgen! After a disappointing debut season in the Bundesliga, Nick’s RB Leipzig are back where they started in the German second division, but they’ve done some good transfer business over the summer, so can the new additions help them bounce straight back to the big time?

The cup draw pits us against Cologne, which isn’t a terrible draw, and they’re coincidentally our first league opponents this season, so we’ll get an idea of what they’re all about shortly.

I’m not f*cking about this season, and I think that chopping and changing formations contributed to our downfall last season, so I’m sticking to what I know, and playing 2-3-1-2-2 from the off. I know the risks involved with this formation, but attacking football is the RB way, and I’d rather burn out than fade away.

Off we go then. We’re all over Cologne from the first whistle, and manage to force an own goal, but they score with their only two shots on target to turn it around, and Brehme Jr has a debut to forget at left back.

Another regen has a better day at Dynamo Dresden, as Waddle Mk II puts us ahead, before two late goals from the Thai-phoon get us our first three points on the board.

The clear-out continues, and another fringe player, Rico Glaubitz is the latest to go…

After sixteen shots at goal in three matches, Gudnason finally gets his first goal as we run riot against Mainz. Another red card is a concern, but we give our portion of the 5,300-strong crowd something to shout about.

There’s no sweet smell of success against Cologne, and they beat us for the second time in eleven days to dump us out of the cup.

A pair of braces see off Wattenscheid. For Nat King Goal it’s business as usual, with his third double of the season, and big Dunc’s double is more of a collector’s item, but they all count.

We might be playing Wolfsburg, but it’s us who are on the hunt for goals today, as the Iceman helps himself to a double brace, while the Thai-phoon only manages a measly hat trick…

I was hoping that the Wolfsburg result would have been a catalyst for a good run, but then we’re brought back down to earth with a rather large bump by Zwickau. As far as I’m concerned, Jason can get Bent.

We lost at Rostock last season, so this is an improvement. Stritong-In only scores two or more goals at a time, none of this single shite, and baby Waddle caps what’s apparently a very good result according to the board.

Billy Mac certainly likes a trip to the treatment room these days, he must be having a fling with one of the nurses or something…

We battle back after a disastrous start against Düsseldorf, and despite Micker Jr coming on at the end and ruffling a few feathers, we just can’t f find a winner, and have to settle for a Desmond.

We’re the fortunate ones in Cologne. Baby Waddle puts us in front, and it should be more but we can’t make the pressure count. The hosts Cram in an equaliser, but the Thai-phoon delivers a wave of destruction for the win.

We’ve only recorded back-to-back wins twice so far this season, and that doesn’t change in the Leipzig derby. We get what we deserve after a thoroughly shite display. Rats!

I can always rely on new signings to make me feel better, and these are the latest two arrivals. Jens Bäumer costs £180k from Jena…

And the versatile Ernest Mencel is a snip at just £16k from some Polish team, who’s name I cannot pronounce, but he looks decent…

Both new boys get minutes in the game against St. Pauli, which after an explosive opening ten minutes is a bit of a letdown, but a point’s a point I guess.

I continue to shift the deadwood, and although he was a great utility man, Kofi Nyamah never really held down a regular first team spot, so I let him return home…

We batter Uerdingen, with twenty one shots at goal, ten of which are on target, but despite Odé’s opener, we can’t add to it, and somehow end up losing 2-1. Well and truly champed.

Grell gives away a penalty against high-flying Kaiserslautern, but makes up for it by saving it and having a great game. We think we’ve won it, but of course, they score late on from a set piece, which is Franckly piss-boiling…

Really Billy?, Really?! I think I’m going to have to take a look at this nurse myself…

We finish with a messy win at bottom of the league Gütersloh. The iceman is finally settling in, and scores either side of their equaliser to make it four goals in as many games for him.

It’s a reasonable start, but some of our new players are still finding their feet, so hopefully there’s better to come. It’s no surprise to see that we’re the top scorers, and I’m pleasantly surprised by our goals conceded column, so there’s reason to be positive, even though we’re not quite where we want to be in the table… yet.

Danke schön for joining me as always, tune in next week to see if we can close that gap on the top three in our push for an immediate Bundesliga return. I hope you all have a great jubilee weekend. Tschüss!

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