Good morning! Happy weekend and for one final time, let’s head over to Deano for the Littlejohn latest
Hello & welcome to the series finale of Around the World with Adrian Littlejohn. I hope you have enjoyed the ride. The latest pit stop we visit gives me the excuse to say something I’ve always wanted to say…
GOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAAAAAAAM!!!!!
They’re sending me. To Vietnam. Jenny tells me if I get in any trouble I just must run. Run away. I’m not underestimating our opposition, so I send Jon Newsome undercover to spy on their training sessions. I want to know their tactics
With this valuable insight we dismantle the Vietnamese at the wonderfully named Stade Hang Day.
Littlejohn only scored once despite have fourteen chances
I’m unemployed on the domestic front after rashly quitting my Man Utd job last week. There are no jobs in the Premier League available, so it’s all about England.
There’s another pointless friendly lined up before I announce the Euro 2000 squad. We’re taking Littlejohn to a made-up place that nobody has ever heard of.
Destination: Cook Islands
I googled the Cook Islands and its basically Neverland. Their captain isn’t very nice.
BREAKING NEWS: Pirates are shit at football. Littlejohn gets a hat-trick in 6 minutes!
Meanwhile, Jon Newsome’s Sheffield Wednesday win the Premier League
Man Utd recovered somewhat after I left them with a mountain to climb.
It’s May, and the time has come to name the Euro 2000 squad. Here it is
And what better preparation for a tournament in Holland than a trip to the other side of the planet.
This trip is two-fold. We’re playing a friendly for Littlejohn, but we’re also stocking up on toasters that only cook one side of the bread.
It’s another 2 for Adrian at Chung-Shan.
Our final warm up is due South in Paradise
Talk about living the high life. Littlejohn would never been able to visit here on his Plymouth salary.
He must have been hungover in the first half.
Now for the tournament
Destination: Holland – Euro 2000
England have a tough group
These are the tactics we will be playing throughout the Euros with Littlejohn leading the line.
It’s Italy up first. The team that knocked us out of the World Cup two years ago.
David Beckham gives us a deserved lead on the stroke of half time. We’re heading for an opening day victory then calamity-James overhits a back pass to himself for an own goal in the 89th minute.
Captain Newsome is out for the tournament which is a blow.
But hey ho. We go again. France up next.
Paul Ince comes back from suspension to take the captains armband. Rio Ferdinand takes Newsome’s place at right back. It’s nip and tuck, but we take the lead in the second half. And wouldn’t you know it, Adrian Littlejohn gets the goal. And it turns out to be the winner.
Last up its Belgium. A point will see us through. We have suspensions in wide areas for Beckham and McManaman, so Teddy Sheringham and Richie Humphreys come into the starting XI. Nicky Butt was shit in the last game, so we move Rio into midfield. GNev slots in at right back.
Another 1-0 win. And another Littlejohn goal!
Into the Quarter finals. Who have we got?
Ohh Scotland. Tasty.
Becks and McManaman are back in the team.
Ross Tokely gives Scotland the lead in the 1st minute and it’s looking rough. The last time Littlejohn came up against Andy Goram he couldn’t score past him in 2 CL legs vs Rangers. Andy Goram was on fire then and he’s doing well now. But his overconfidence is his downfall as he rashly takes out Scholes for red card and penalty that turns the game on its head. Littlejohn scores the spot kick and then runs riot.
Four goals for Littlejohn! This is his tournament. He’s hit top form.
Into the Semi’s. And if Scotland was tasty – this is delicious.
Ze Germans! This is how they line up
4-4-fooking-2. Passing. They do not scare me.
Scholes and Ince are suspended. In come Sheringham and Butt. Teddy takes the armband.
Marschall gives Germany an early lead, but our hero equalises on 16 minutes. Mehmet Scholl puts the Germans back in front before half time. There’s not a lot we can do so we carry on. We create some chances and Littlejohn equalises again on 55 mins and OMFG! he competes his hat trick with 16 minutes left and we’re into the final!
Unbelievable Jeff. That’s his 47th England goal. Can he break the record in the final?
We’re up against Croatia. Who line up like this
Counterattack hey. They are obviously running scared. More lines than Maradona’s coffee table.
Ince and Scholes are back for the final.
We dominate and are the better team. But it’s 0-0 at half time. Surely its just a matter of time. Littlejohn breaks the deadlock! But the linesman saw something, and it’s disallowed! You Twat. We can’t find the breakthrough so it’s heading into extra time. Oh no it’s not. Alan Boksic scores against the run of play in the 89th minute and Croatia are champions. F-F-S.
Heartbreak. It’s totally not deserved.
Champ-manned in the final. What a bastard. I’m confident if I knocked the game off without saving and played the game again, we would win next time. I didn’t but it did cross my mind. We’ve all done it.
Littlejohn’s luck ran out at the final hurdle. Keeper MOM obviously.
Still though, what a season he’s had. Top the pile again.
25 this season. Takes him up to 47 goals for his country. 1 behind Lineker and 2 behind the record.
Swiftly into season 2000/1. I’m only allowed to rearrange 1 friendly so if Littlejohn can’t do it in the first four qualifiers he’s bound to do it Vanuatu!
World Cup qualification begins with a home tie against Denmark. It’s a tough game but we were helped by them going down to 10 men. Littlejohn scores 1 go level with Big Ears.
Just two to go to break Bobby Charlton’s record now.
I fucking love Vienna
Anyway, it’s a tough game but can Littlejohn do it today? Nikischer gives Austria an early lead, but we don’t care. It’s all about the main man and he replies three minutes later to equal Bobby Charlton’s record! Rainman restores Austrias lead but 11 minutes later BANG!! Littlejohn has done it! 50 goals for England. He gets booked for taking his shirt off, revealing a t-shirt underneath that simply says ‘50’. But he’s going to need a new print because BANG!!! He’s added another one for good luck to win the game!
What a way to break the record. 10/10, MOM and a hat trick.
West Midlands Council immediately commissions a statue to be built in his hometown of Wolverhampton.
It only took 35 games, a ridiculous amount of air miles and some ropey opposition. And Adrian Littlejohn is a legend. Littlejohn got his Man Utd place back and would go on to get his 100 PL goals under Bryan Robson before seeing out his playing days back at Plymouth Argyle. He was knighted upon his retirement and to top it all off Sir Adrian was awarded an honorary golden gavel by the BBC and Bargain Hunt. He wore it with pride for the rest of his days, and he lived happily ever after.
The boss is happy, and my work here is done.