Welcome back to the Half & Half Scarf Premier League! It’s pre-season and all the clubs are managerless. They’ve got their pick of the world’s talent for this ambitious rescue project for English Football. Will it be a disaster? Will Bobby Gould go? Some things in life are guaranteed. You can catch up with the introduction of this abomination and the squads from last week here.

Wednesday United make the bold first move, going for a man of European experience and flair.

Westwall, in a move probably befitting of their merged styles of play, appoint a man that should focus on their limited strengths. They might even boo him.

Elsewhere, Keegan at least has ties with half of this squad. Will they be happy to see him?

Portshampton rush into a rash decision in my eyes. Player-managers never work out. Portstoke do the same, only it’s David Platt.

The Rovering Bristolians appoint Jimmy Nicholl…clearly they didn’t have their pick of the talent! The Readford Oxes appoint Frank Clark…inspiring…ly dull. Everpool, however, pull out all the stops:

The Arseham Hotguns make an absolute arse of their own appointment. I wonder if he knows what he’s doing here?

The Crystal Dons go for a physical hoofball expert in Jack Charlton, the Bromderers appoint Gerry Francis. Bryan Robson leaves the bright (red) lights of Middlesbrough for a crack in the second city.

Lutford appoint Gordon Milne. Somebody always does I guess. Old Dale appoint Jo King’s brother, John King. Leedsfield take on Brian Little, a man for the little job. Derbyham appoint Big Ron. Norpswich appoint David Pleat, who’s svelte tones might send the squad to sleep. Suncastle get it realistic:

Burnburn Rovers and A City United wait and wait until they appoint the big guns:

And there we have it. Who has made the best appointment? Who is the biggest footballing brain, John King or Johan Cruyff?

Following the appointments, BIG SCARF CO. LTD announce that, there will be rewards throughout the season. To make it more interesting, the three teams in the relegation zone at the end of the month will get £5m and the top three teams will pay for it by losing £5m.

To encourage more fair play to the lesser sides, they’ve come up with another great idea…top goal scorer at the end of the month? 5 match ban. Most assists at the end of a month? 3 match ban. Most man of the matches at the end of the month? 20-point ability reduction for being cocky.

Let’s kick-off

The season kicks of to great fanfare. Scarf sales are through the roof! The Arseham players however are yet to gel:

Look at all that talent on display, and then the Arseham squad!

A City United are coping without their star player. Giggs was so unsettled, he forced a move to Barcelona. Arseham are quickly back on their feet:

They still don’t believe they have enough attacking power and manage to scrape together the funds top steal Burnburn Rovers fans starlet. Half of them will be mad as f***.

Norpswich sell ‘Mr CM9798 first month of the season signing’ aka Darren Eadie. God knows why. Arseham’s recovery strides onwards.

But the surprise packages is Derbyham. What a start.

So good, Ian Woan can’t even get in the starting XI…Wednesday United sell Carbone and A City United snap up Gareth Southgate from Astoningham Villity. It really is getting f***** up. The Champions League draw is kind for some, but not for others.

Third-third-third scarfs have just landed on the CEO’s desk as the next great idea. The punters can’t wait. The last set of results in August go missing as Half & Half’s CEO deleted the results from his screenshots. But the pick of the results did not go missing:

Steve Bull finally playing where he belongs and doing the business. It leaves the tables looking like this:

And also like this:

It’s a clean slate for a team ready to tear itself apart. Who knew. A City Truly United by scarves. But who will get the Half and Half treatment for being too good?

Andreas Andersson – 5-match ban. Paul Scholes – 3-match ban. Paul Ince, say goodbye to your ability. Un-f******-lucky. The players are raging. Ince breaks down the door of the H&H Premier League office but quickly loses all his anger as he finds a grey-haired middle-aged group of men in nothing but half and half scarves dancing round an effigy of the three players in question. And with that revelation, we’ll see you again in September!