CD Dons – Episode 5: The Little Sh*t | @Emsonite

Happy Deano day! The CD Dons are looking for goals and reds, in no particular order. If you missed the previous episode click here

Recap of Rules & Objectives

  • Vinny Jones captain.
  • Only players with Aggression 18+ allowed
  • Hurt the opposition; fan prizes for sending offs, opposition injuries and total disciplinary points.
  • Thug-o-Meter; every CD Dons game is won, drawn, or lost on injuries and cards (5 for a red, 3 for an injury, 1 for a yellow). +3 pts for a win, -1 for a draw, -3 for a loss. At the end of the season, I need to be in positive points, or I’ll get the sack.
  • Spanish FA really don’t want us to get promoted or to win anything, pfft.

Good day to you. If you have just tuned in, Vinny Jones’ CD Dons are pissin’ the Spanish Championship, which isn’t hard – it’s like having Andre the Giant in a beer drinking contest – it’s not really a competition.

The league is poor however, we must win the CD Dons way. It’s the Great British tourists that are paying our wages. They’ve all got an opinion. And in their opinion, we aint causing enough havoc.

Fresh after our first defeat last week. We lose again vs the strong and mighty Hercules & draw vs Numancia in the Kings Cup to put a further dent in the Thug-o-Meter.

Now my theory is, and it’s just a theory. That we are a bit too good. We’re using Nikolai’s no-keeper MW tactic and beating teams left, right and centre. We must strike a balance. So, the plan now is to sign a couple of shit, aggressive players to make the team worse so we don’t dominate games so much. In theory, we will be forced into making more tackles & fouls. Let’s test this theory out.

In come these two numpties:

And we’re blooding some young ‘talent’. I’ve bought this Armenian youngster on in the last couple of games. His name is Arsen Aivazian. He’s only 21 and he is a right bastard. In his 2 sub appearances so far, he’s committed loads of fouls and picked up 2 yellow cards.

Being Armenian, I imagine he psych’s himself up listening to System of a Down before matches. Arsen Aivazian is a bit of a mouthful so we’ll just call him The Little Shit from now on. He is the future of CD Dons. I love him.

I’m not one to hold onto players, especially if they aren’t in the starting XI. Cifer’s averages are outrageous but The Little Shit has taken his place so £2.3m. Cha-ching

Fabian Estay is on his way as well to accommodate my new crap singing, Ariola. Estay has been great but he’s too good for this league.

If you ever want to make an easy £5m, just buy Fabian Estay and sell him. Oh, if only real life was that easy.

That concludes our business as the transfer window slams shut, as Sky Sports News love to say. The Land of the Tiki-Taka has some crap rules, like allowing B-teams & having 2 transfer windows to proverbably slam shut. I also hate it when people slam doors & windows. Close it, don’t Slam it – you noisy twat. What’s wrong with people?

Anyway, with the transfer window closed, this is our side for the next few weeks. In comes Ariola & The Little Shit. Sala gets a place on the bench.

Stuart Pearce has got his work cut out playing centre-back, covering the goal and taking set pieces. And clearly the stress gets to him as he takes out a Numancian on the stroke of half time. Red card! The crowd punch the air and rejoice. Pearce gets a standing ovation as he leaves the pitch.

At the end of the game, everyone is excited for the raffle. It’s our first dismissal of the season and as promised one lucky fan gets a free piece of knock-off merch from the market for the red card during the game.

Clive from Bristol wins the draw and decides to treat his wife to a Gucci bag. What a gentleman. His wife, Shelley, won’t know it’s fake.

When Shelley gets back home, the neighbours’ gossip behind her back. The bag is gorgeous. But the neighbours can’t understand how or why she went to the expense.

I mean, if Shelley can afford a £800 handbag, why don’t she get her teeth done?


Back to the football, we play Numancia again in the Kings Cup in a crazy game with 10 goals. Kudos to Tolba who gets booked in a cameo 13 mins to seal a 2-0 win on yellows.  He’s pushing for a start.

The balance of having a few worse players in our team works perfectly as we travel to Lleida. We just about win and injure one of their players in the first half.

Surely you know what an opposition injury means by now? A crap tattoo of course! This time the lucky raffle winner is Shane from Dagenham. He opts to get his name right across his belly.

He jokes that’s its “so the ladies to know who they are playing with, har har har”. You keep referring to your right hand as ‘ladies’, Shane.

A downturn in form cranks the pressure on the Thug-o-Meter

It’s a 3-3 draw with cm03/04 legend Toledo

And it’s the same result against Espanyol

This was also our first footballing defeat of the season. And it may well send us out of the Kings Cup. Much to the delight of Mauricio Pochettino.

A poor run of form comes to an end at Villarreal. A comfortable 2-4 win on yellows. Milinkovic gets the perfect performance with MOM, a goal and a yellow. The Little Shit gets a yellow too. I love him.

In the official table, we’re top of the Farmers League.

But there’s only one table that we’re interested in. Let’s see how the Thug-o-Meter is looking as we draw this episode to a close

That’s looking a lot healthier.

Let’s hope we can maintain our current form so I can keep my job, as I’m rather enjoying this save. I hope you are too.

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