CD Dons – Episode 11: The Drunken Environmentalist | @Emsonite

It’s time for our visit to Spain where we find Deano waiting, ready to kick the snot out of anybody who disagrees. Do you disagree? I don’t.

Recap of Rules & Objectives

  • Vinny Jones captain.
  • Only players with Aggression 18+ allowed
  • Hurt the opposition; fan prizes for sending offs, opposition injuries and total disciplinary points.
  • Thug-o-Meter; every CD Dons game is won, drawn or lost on injuries and cards (5 for a red, 3 for an injury, 1 for a yellow). +3 pts for a win, -1 for a draw, -3 for a loss. At the end of the season, I need to beat last season’s +40 score, or I’ll get the sack.
  • Spanish FA really don’t want us to win anything, pfft.

Where were we? Oh yeah, we’re playing star-studded Real Betis. We draw 1-1 with The Little Shit getting our only yellow. How he didn’t get set off is beyond comprehension having conceded 3 more fouls after that.

Next up we’re up against team that are named after a drunken environmentalist who tried to make Compost in his empty cans of Stella. The wait for a red is over as the Moldovan Maniac, Rebeja, is sent off after clattering his new-age opponent. However, the free merch is cancelled by Ramon who was determined to act hard as well. We win the game 3-1 on yellows though.

As you can see our red card was a lot better than their red card. Ramon picked up 2 yellows whilst ours was a pedigree straight red. We’re like dog snobs at CD Dons, cross-bred dismissals are cheap & nasty. They aren’t held in the same esteem as thoroughbred red cards.

We play Rafa Benítez’ Valencia in our next game and comfortably beat them 4-0 on yellow cards. That last card takes us up 50 yellows for the season and we’re only in November. Great stuff.

Whipping boys Rayo Vallecano are up next. Leandro sees red in the first half & we still smash them with 10 men.

That earns some free merch from the local market. Joyce has so much to choose from. You know she’ll look at every item. Pick everything up, sniff it. Try it on, put it back before settling on the first one she saw. Then she’ll change her mind and take it back in the morning. Then the guy at the stall will say no refunds. Then she’ll throw a hissy fit and complain to Sam Hamman.

You’re ruining it for everyone Joyce! It’s free stuff. Stop taking the piss.

Big game next in the Kings Cup where we’re up against another holiday hot spot in Tenerife. Roy Makaay gives them an early lead and celebrates in front of our home fans. The CD Dons faithful are baying for blood and Milinkovic happily obliges to take out Roy in the 12th minute to rapturous applause.

Makaay’s injury earns Nigel a free tattoo from Pedro. And he opts for what any grown man wants.

Heroes in the half shell. Turtle power!

Prick.

The Thug o-Meter is at +41 which is just above our +40-target set from last year. We’re going great guns as the Transfer Window reopens.

We haven’t got a lot of money so we will have to be tight.

Okay, we went a bit Scrooge McDuck here as Kovacs comes in for £2k. We’re not that skint, so we bring a familiar face back into the fold as well.

Fabian Estay! Welcome home sir. We pay £1.3m for him which is a lot cheaper than what we sold him for a year ago. This guy is the epitome of a cash-cow, I can’t guarantee I won’t sell him again to balance the books.

Deportivo La Coruna are up next. After a boring first half, things really went up a notch in the second. The Little Shit gets booked as he injures Knup. We’re cruising to a win then they get a dubious penalty with 13 minutes left. Then Duncan Ferguson went off injured as well. The game is petering out for a draw then Ahh Hristo bangs in the winner with the last kick in injury time.

Crazy game. Duncan is out for a week with a strained neck. He must have tried to headbutt Guilherme.

I need a sit down after that. Let’s have a quick look at the league table before I get my pyjama bottoms on and have a well-earned glass of wine & rollie by the back door.

4th and on course for Europe. Can you imagine going on tour with these bunch of twats? I couldn’t think of anything worse. But it might just happen you know, and at +44 on the Thug-o-Meter I might just get to keep my job as well.

Join us next week to see how we get on. Cheers.

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