CD Dons – Episode 14: Spanish Stitch Up | @Emsonite

Deano did the seemingly impossible and led a hostile takeover of La Liga. With CD Dons now the Champs they can attract the best of the angry mob…

Recap of Rules & Objectives

  • Vinny Jones captain.
  • Only players with Aggression 18+ allowed
  • Hurt the opposition; fan prizes for sending offs, opposition injuries and total disciplinary points.
  • Thug-o-Meter; every CD Dons game is won, drawn or lost on injuries and cards (5 for a red, 3 for an injury, 1 for a yellow). +3 pts for a win, -1 for a draw, -3 for a loss. At the end of the season, I need to be in positive points, or I’ll get the sack.
  • Beat last season’s tally of +45

It’s party time on the Costa Del Sol.

We’ve embarrassed the Spanish with our unique style of aggressive, no-goalkeeper football to win La Liga at the first time of asking.

The Spanish FA, and the whole of the population for that matter, are furious. The decision to allow CD Dons into the Spanish League is being compared to the biggest National tragedy since they lost 10 treasure ships to a hurricane & swashbuckling privateers from New Providence Island back in 1715. It took them 250 years to recover from that. They can’t wait that long this time though as cm9798 only has a 30-season limit, so heads begin to roll now. There are sackings galore in the Spanish FA following a public enquiry.

The Spanish can’t bring themselves to praise CD Dons in our success. I’m snubbed for manager of the year. And Fernando Couto, who despite his outrageous 9.27 average rating last season, is also snubbed for Player of the Year in favour of Jose Luis Chilavert. Then! And get this… to add insult to injury they award CD Dons with the FAIR PLAY AWARD! Are you fucking kidding me?

I checked against the other teams in the league, and we were easily the dirtiest team with 288 disciplinary points and our Thug-o-Meter score of +45 last season backs that up. It’s an absolute stitch up on all fronts. They are obviously trying to make us angry. It’s petty to say the least. I’m calling it the ‘Fair Play to Them, They Have Done Alright Award’ for my own sanity.

Stuart Pearce sees the funny at least. Pettiness above Godliness.

Our exploits last season come at a cost. We are 1.5m in debt so the £6m prize money is very welcome.

We also get an anonymous cash injection.

We all know the £5.5m is from Sting though, he’s dodging tax and helping his mate Vinny. Win-win.  

Julian Dicks retires at the age of 30. Never even played a game for us. Easily the worst signing I’ve ever made.

All is not lost as we track down his reincarnation at Derby County.

Alas Little Timmy is not for sale

In transfer news, Alan Shearer is interested in linking up with Duncan Ferguson like he did at Newcastle. However, we can’t afford him at the moment. He’ll be 29 in August though so his value will drop to £7.5, we’ll try again in a few weeks.

Until then we bring in Billy MacDonald (a-20)

Sibierski (a-19)

Naybet (a-19)

And a Viking called Knutsen (a-18)

We sell Sébastien Schemmel for 1.2m and we let Ruiz leave for £4m. Ruiz was injured for the whole of the last season anyway so that is like money for nothing.

Before the league starts, we’ve got the small matter of the Spanish Charity Shield. Where we play Valencia over 2 legs. Everything in Spain is over 2 legs, I think they are taking the piss again as I’m currently hobbling around in plaster in real life.  

We’re cruising to a 1-4 win but are losing 1-0 on yellow cards so in the 60th minute I attempt to self-sabotage to commit more fouls. It backfires as not only do we not receive any cards we just about hang on for the win.

This tie should be dead and buried.

Not a great start as we are on -3 on the Thug-o-Meter. +45 is the target set last season.

In more transfer news, Dario Silva (a-20) signs. Dario can play anywhere in the front 5 and being Uruguayan, I’m hoping he can add some bite.

In the second leg against Valencia things go a lot better. We’re winning 2-1 on yellows when the lineal Player of the Year Fernando Couto commits a professional foul on the hour mark. Stuart Pearce does a great job in the final 30 mins keeping the goals out and getting 10/10 MOM.

The fans are happy as we win the Spanish Charity Shield to add to our booty.

And only lucky fan gets some free merch for the red card.

The rest of Spain aint happy though. They really are a bunch of sore losers. First, they stitch us up at the Annual Awards, then look the ‘randomly generated’ fixtures they’ve got us starting La Liga with.

Behave yourselves! We’re up against it from the off and battle will commence in the next episode.

A quick look at the Thug-o-Meter which is even after 2 bonus games in the Charity Shield.

See you next Thursday when there will be some European action also. Cheers Amigos.

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